With some light skinned girls and some Kelly Rowlands

There really aren't enough hours in a day! I haven't written in forever. But I'm here now with some free time and I felt like writing so I grabbed my computer and I'm laying in my bed before I get ready for this morning workout.

My thoughts are all over the place! I have so many topics I want to talk about but I'm only going touch on one thing right now. I'll write on some different stuff later.






BEAUTY

"I'll never be picture perfect Beyonce// Be light as Al B. or black as Chauncey...but everything I'm not made me everyting I am"

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder but what if that eye has been corrupted by the media? From movies, videos, magazines, etc. you see the stereotypical, cliche "light/fair skin, long hair, perfect shape" woman. Don't get me wrong, there are MANY beautiful women that fit that mold but at the same time there are also just as many beautiful brown, dark skinned women, and short hair women. And a lot of men claim that they just "have a preference", but in all actuality would that have been your preference had not the media made you to believe that it was? Men fantasize about celebrities when they see them in magazines failing to realize that the women themselves don't even look like that in real life. Hello Photoshop! You can't expect a woman you meet to compare to the women you see in the media because not even those can meet those expectations.

And ladies, women invest sooooo much money on fake hair, fake nails, fake eyelashes, makeup, butt pads, etc. Would you still be secure with yourself without all of that? You claim to be real but everything about you is fake?? Don't get me wrong, I don't knock people who have or wear these things because by all means if that's what you like then go for it. My thing is don't get to the point where you feel like you NEED these things. They shouldn't define who you are as a person. Be confident in how beautiful God made you. If only more women knew how beautiful the natural is and more men expressed it...

"I never could see why people reach a fake a** facade that they couldn't keep up//....everything I'm not made me everything I am"

And shoutout to Kanye West for being my favorite rapper! lol :-)

Waiting to Exhale

I want to be with you, but something’s holding me back.
Afraid of heartbreak? No it couldn’t be that.
Been on that love rollercoaster with all its thrills and peaks
And at the end of the ride, left feeling incomplete.

So what do I do when I know you’ll treat me right?
Simple. Open up and allow you into my life.
Simply said, not simply done.
I’m afraid to let you in. I’m afraid you’re the one.

The one that will love me for me.
The one that will bring back that feeling which made me complete.
The one that’s determined, ambitious, and has goals.
The one that will love me from the depths of his soul.

I want to let you in, but it’s just too hard.
The wounds are still healing where my heart was scarred.
An ongoing battle I can’t seem to win.
It could all be over if I just let you in…

Now that I look back at this poem, I realize that it can relate to quite a few people in my past and even some recent people that I have met. When I first wrote this piece it was actually inspired by a young man that I was talking to around summer 2008. This was a man that was pretty much doing everything right. He treated me how I always dreamed of being treated. We watched movies together, went to events together, and best of all went to church together! Doesn't get any better than that. This was a physically attractive young man and when I said I never went horseback riding he offered to take me. He didn't pressure me to do anything and I still wasn't used to the idea of someone wanting to spend so much time with me. I hadn't had that in a loooong time.

So why couldn't I just be with this man? Why couldn't I allow myself to be happy with somebody? Why was I still letting someone in the past dictate the outcome of my future?

I was scared. I didn't want to be vulnerable. I didn't want to give another person the opportunity to hurt me. So I entertained him but I could never be with him the way he wanted. I had the silly notion that this man of the past would someday come back for and I wanted to make sure I was emotionally available. Silly thinking huh? But the crazy thing is sometimes you don't even realize that this is what you're doing. This person gives you enough attention just to keep you hanging on and right when you want to be done with it all....they give you a little more. You've fallen into the trap and they now have this hold on your life and you're waiting for something that will never come. I'm not that person anymore and for that I'm thankful.

The wait is over...

Mixed Signals

It's 9:27pm.
It's a Friday night and as usual I don't have any plans. I'm flipping through the same few channels and I still can't find anything worth watching. I walk to the kitchen to to get a glass of juice (Simply Lemonade with raspberry to be exact) and come back to my same spot. I'm sure I've been there too long because my body is imprinted on the sofa. I finally turn to Nick at Night and watch some reruns of The Fresh Prince of Bellaire when I feel a vibration on my arm. I look down to see a text on my phone from a name I haven't seen in a while. I open the text and read : "Hey what's good". I'm still in shock that this man text me and I didn't want to seem too anxious so I waited 3 minutes before I text back--"Nothing much. Just sitting here watching tv. What's up?". We went back and forth with a little small talk and after about 20 minutes of texting he asked if he could stop by. Reluctant to respond, I waited a few minutes so I could think about this man's intentions. I haven't talked to this man in forever because he had been giving me all kind of mixed signals and no direct answers. By this time it's 10:13pm. I decided to let him come over so I sent him the text and went to straightening up a few things I had lying around. I had my hair wrapped so I went to my room and took the scarf off so I can look presenatable when he came over.

At around 10:40 I heard a knock at my door and I walked over and was greeted by a man whose embrace I hadn't felt in a long time. I admit, it felt good to be held like that again. We sat on the couch and I offered him a drink but he declined. We laughed and joked about old times and he told me how much he missed my company. The feeling was mutual. After a while of catching up there was an awkard silence in the room and as I was looking at the t.v. I could feel him staring me up and down. I didn't want to look at him because I knew what was liable to happen. A few more minutes went by and as he inched closer to me I felt my heart beating so fast I thought it was going to jump out of my chest!

He rubbed his hand along my right thigh and I pretended like I didn't feel it. All I kept thinking was "what have I gotten myself into?". Here I was sitting next to a man that had done me wrong soooooo many times. He didn't even deserve to be in my presence let along touching my body in any manner. I felt like my mind, my body, and my heart were all at war with one another because as much as I wanted him to stop I couldn't help that my body loved these feelings she had been deprived of for so long.

So I gave in.

This man was doing things I don't think Trey Songz could invent. Felt so good I think they neighbors knew his first, middle, and last name! I don't think any meetings Silk had in their bedroom could compare to the meeting we were having in my living room. This was definitely the best I ever had. His smooth chocolate skin rubbing against this brown sugar he hadn't tasted in so long. It may have been wrong, but at that moment everything felt so right. The way he held me and carressed every part of my body. Quite detail oriented because he made sure every part of me was given the proper attention. He took me to a "happy place" and though I've never been in a choir, he had me hitting notes like I was a soprano. There was nowhere else in the world I'd rather be than on this couch with the one man that knew me better than anybody else.

All of a sudden I feel a vibration on my arm. I look down to see a text.
It was my friend texting me to see if I was dressed for the club we were going to later.
It's 9:27pm

Most Valuable Player

He met this girl on a hot July day
Had bad intentions, but fell in love....or so he say
She was new to the game of love
Something like a rookie draft pick
He told her everything she wanted to hear
She figured he just wanted to hit
A rookie to the game but the mind of a vet
She made him wait and wait
Hoping he'd forget
Or maybe he'd leave because she wasn't easy like the rest
Little did she know he was up for the test
He showed the rookie a world she'd never seen
And it wasn't long before the rookie was starting on the team
Head over heels. Blinded by bliss.
This game would soon have a tragic twist...
Flag on the play! Unnecessary roughness of the heart
Took the rookie out of the game. She couldn't play the part.
She got hurt and eventually traded.
Left not only the team, but the league. It was love she hated.
For so long he was her king.
But playing for this team, she would never win a ring.
Many teams wanted her but she retired from the game
But one thing she knew....
She would always be in his Hall of Fame.


Teams are made up of numerous "players". We are often attracted to the ones who have the spotlight. The "MVP". A leader. Someone we find appealing. He/she has their head on straight.....or so we think. We don't take notice to those players that play significant roles but go unnoticed. Or those that are on the bench perfecting their craft so they can be better.

No. That's not what we want. We want the "most valuable PLAYER"....

I'll be in that Hall of Fame but I'm back in the league. This time I'm getting a ring ;-)

You think you know but you have no idea...

The door closes and I know what's next
Tears run down my cheeks as I wonder...why me?
Do I deserve to be treated this way?
The lights are off, but from the scent I can feel he is near.
He thrusts me upon the bed as if I am a mere object and not human.
I feel as he begins to force himself upon my helpless body.
I scream out for the world to save me from this savage beast.
Noone hears my cries and I begin to drown in my own tears.
I gasp for air as he strangles the life from within me.
I can feel the blood as it slowly runs down my thighs.
I lay there as he continues to receive this forced pleasure.
At that moment I wished it would all be over.
I wanted to die.
How could I live when this man has robbed me of my innocence?
I live through this anguish for what seems to be a lifetime.
The tears continue to run down my cheeks as I wonder....why me?

Quick Facts:
Somewhere in America, a woman is raped every 2 minutes, according to the U.S. Department of Justice.

17.6 % of women in the United States have survived a completed or attempted rape.

I state these facts to say this: That girl that you can't figure out, the one who may be extra aggressive, or overly promiscuous, or very timid and withdrawn...This could likely be a girl who was a victim of some sort of sexual assault. You're not with any person 24/7 so you don't honestly know everything about a person. You never know what has happened in their past to shape who they are today.

So the girl in this poem could be your sister, your neighbor, or even your best friend.

Just a thought...

Masturbation?

It's 1:14am and I'm up vibing. Thinking about a lot of stuff and feeling creative so I decided to write. When I write I just let my mind take me to a whole new place. Never know what I'm gonna get so enjoy...

Love lost. A lack of communication
We both knew it was coming. Too many complications
He gave into temptation. Had the hoes in rotation. Hoping for an ejaculation.

But yall I knew. I had a speculation.
I asked him questions. Part of my interrogation.
But of course he lied. "Jerisha what's your motivation??"
So I replied. "I'm just tryna make sense of the situation."

I sat down to think. Make an examination. Tired of the limitations.
Sir it's time for elimination...
He's on his knees begging for me to stay. Looking for salvation.
But I gotta do what's best for me. My heart needs restoration.


I forgive too easily and I don't hold grudges. Anything that you could possibly think of that a person can do to destroy a relationship has happened to me so I can honestly say that nothing surprises me anymore. I'm not a bitter woman and I don't think that all men are the same. Every decision made is a choice. I am grateful for everything that has ever happened to me in my past because it gave me some great perspective and helped to shape the woman I am today.

The last line of this poem says: My heart needs restoration. I'm still restoring some of the things that were lost in past relationships. I'm about 92% restored ;-)

P.S.- I always title my blogs after they're written so even though this wasn't about masturbation, it was a good attention getter and it rhymed with the rest Lol. So this is just the general disclaimer for future references.