It's always at the times when I a ton of work to do that I decide I want to catch up on my blog. Tis the life of a procrastinator. It great irony that I enjoy writing as a means to express myself as I stated in my first blog but I really really hate writing papers for school. Which is exactly what I should be doing right now.
Each time I come here I never know what I'm going to say. Will I open up about a tragic event of my past, publish a poem I wrote, give my opinion on a particular issue, tell a story, or just express some random feelings. And I guess that's the beauty of it all. I come with no specific intentions. I just write what's on my mind or heart at the moment.
Lately a whirlwind of thoughts have consumed me. And when they are originally conceived they make perfect sense, but when trying to orally articulate and even write those thoughts I often get confused and frustrated.
I write notes on my ipad which unintentionally after I read them are poetic pieces. I think my mind formulates thoughts in poetic verse because I swear when I'm typing it I don't mean for it to be a poem lol.
How did I let it get this far?
Again...
When does it stop?
When does one learn?
A master of giving the same advice I can never seem to take.
You were lost, alone, afraid, and hurt.
I saved you.
Now I am you.
So how do I save me?
I appear to have it all figured out.
Do they realize that I'm just as confused. Just as broken.
That I fight a losing battle with myself daily.
I can't escape my own self imprisonment.
But I'm the strong one. Show no fear. Show no defeat.
Never ever show weakness.
It's hard to change once you've been conditioned this way.
How do you let your guard down?
How do you give someone that much access?
I tried.....I failed.
But did I really try hard enough?
I want to change.
I want YOU to change
But where do WE start?
So I resort to what I know best.
Just let it go.
Whatever "it" is.
Show no fear. Show no defeat.
Never ever show weakness.
I saved you.
Now I have to save me.
That was just a piece I started in my ipad and finished today. I'm an avid poetry reader and Tupac fan. And if you know me you know my Pac obsession is real lol. But I wanted to leave you with one of my favorite poems of his because I relate to it the most. He gets it.
In the Depths of Solitude
i exist in the depths of solitude
pondering my true goal
trying 2 find peace of mind
and still preserve my soul
constantly yearning 2 be accepted
and from all receive respect
never comprising but sometimes risky
and that is my only regret
a young heart with an old soul
how can there be peace
how can i be in the depths of solitude
when there r 2 inside of me
this duo within me causes
the perfect opportunity
2 learn and live twice as fast
as those who accept simplicity
I understand. I get it.
