Waiting to Exhale

I want to be with you, but something’s holding me back.
Afraid of heartbreak? No it couldn’t be that.
Been on that love rollercoaster with all its thrills and peaks
And at the end of the ride, left feeling incomplete.

So what do I do when I know you’ll treat me right?
Simple. Open up and allow you into my life.
Simply said, not simply done.
I’m afraid to let you in. I’m afraid you’re the one.

The one that will love me for me.
The one that will bring back that feeling which made me complete.
The one that’s determined, ambitious, and has goals.
The one that will love me from the depths of his soul.

I want to let you in, but it’s just too hard.
The wounds are still healing where my heart was scarred.
An ongoing battle I can’t seem to win.
It could all be over if I just let you in…

Now that I look back at this poem, I realize that it can relate to quite a few people in my past and even some recent people that I have met. When I first wrote this piece it was actually inspired by a young man that I was talking to around summer 2008. This was a man that was pretty much doing everything right. He treated me how I always dreamed of being treated. We watched movies together, went to events together, and best of all went to church together! Doesn't get any better than that. This was a physically attractive young man and when I said I never went horseback riding he offered to take me. He didn't pressure me to do anything and I still wasn't used to the idea of someone wanting to spend so much time with me. I hadn't had that in a loooong time.

So why couldn't I just be with this man? Why couldn't I allow myself to be happy with somebody? Why was I still letting someone in the past dictate the outcome of my future?

I was scared. I didn't want to be vulnerable. I didn't want to give another person the opportunity to hurt me. So I entertained him but I could never be with him the way he wanted. I had the silly notion that this man of the past would someday come back for and I wanted to make sure I was emotionally available. Silly thinking huh? But the crazy thing is sometimes you don't even realize that this is what you're doing. This person gives you enough attention just to keep you hanging on and right when you want to be done with it all....they give you a little more. You've fallen into the trap and they now have this hold on your life and you're waiting for something that will never come. I'm not that person anymore and for that I'm thankful.

The wait is over...