An Unparalleled Bond

December 7, 2005

Today my papa passed away. I really can't believe this. I knew it was coming but I just can't accept it.

My car was being fixed because it had a lot of stuff wrong so I took my mom's car to work. Not too long after I clocked in, I say approximately 23 minutes my mom walks in the store. I'm looking confused, like what's going on? How did she even get here? Automatically I assume I'm in trouble or that I've done something wrong. So I run through all the things I've done in the past week but nothing comes to mind. I ask her why she's here. That's when she tells me that my papa just passed away...

My throat instantly starts hurting like a huge knot is stuck and I feel like I can't breathe. I walk off crying as if my whole life had been shattered. Because in essence it had been. I could not believe it!

They say he died at about 4:30 pm and that he asked to be turned towards the window before he passed. It's crazy but I feel like that's symbolic, as if he knew he was about to live this Earth and going to be in his heavenly home with the Lord. I miss him and I am deeply hurt but I know he no longer has to suffer.

When someone close to you dies, that's the point from which you realize all the things you never got to tell them or show them You also realize what matters and what doesn't. I wish my papa would have lived to see me turn 18, graduate, and even get married. But I know that for a reason I may never understand God wanted him at this time. I don't know if I will ever be the same but I will continue to keep his memory alive and make him proud.
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That was an actual excerpt from my journal.

I dealt with death early in my life with the death of my my brother when I was five so this isn't something new to me. I think this was probably the most painful to deal with for the simple fact that no male in my life was as consistent as my papa. I never felt a consistent attachment with my daddy, boyfriends, or even my other beloved younger brother.

Losing my papa a little over 5 years ago I never knew the impact it would have on my life today. For a man to ask me to trust him or to love him unconditionally is hard considering the only man I ever felt that attachment with is no longer here to show me how to. And the man that should be the one to step in and do so lives by his own selfish motives. But i digress.

Basically what I want to say is, men if you have a daughter, niece, little cousin or whatever be that male figure that she looks up to. SHOW her love, don't just tell her. You can see a significant difference in girls who grew up with a positive male figure and those who did not. Though my papa wasn't here long, I cherish those 17 years I got to spend with the man I will forever view as my hero.