Bedtime Thoughts

Written last night before I went to bed.


Blasting my music so I won’t hear my thoughts.
The lyrics remind me of what I’m trying to forget. You.
I look around I wonder how I got here. What am I doing?
Consciously blocking out others, I accidentally let you slip in.
A reverse robbery. Instead of taking anything, you gave me something.
Feelings? Attention? Conversation? Love?
Whatever the case I must leave.
It’s not that I don’t enjoy the very essence of you.
Everything you are. Despite flaws and frustrations.
I’m distancing myself because I can’t have you.

As much as I want to believe things didn’t change, I must accept the fact that they did.
As much as I want to pretend I don’t care, the simple fact remains that I do.
And I don’t care about much.
You know this.
So why care about you?
Who are you to come into my life and destroy the security I built.
Something great turned into something gone.
What did I get myself into?
Dreams, fantasies, illusions.
You were selling, and I bought them all.
Now I’m broke. Broken.
For a split second I thought I could be the one. Your one.
Then realize the other six “ones” who believe it’s them.

Single solitude. All alone.
Surrounded by an abundance of love.
None of which is for me.
A slap in the face. Is it me?
Or was it you?
Incapable of loving another.
But my heart yearns for it. My soul aches for it.
Hurting.
As I watch the love of others radiate from within, giving hope to the hopeless.
A beacon of light that transcends the depths of this darkness.
I want that. I had that. I lost that.
So I wait for another chance.
But my wait isn’t patient, it’s persistent.

These are just some thoughts when my mind is idle and my heart is free.
And vulnerability has me under her spell.
I can fake a smile, I can pretend to be happy.
I can do a lot of things, but I can’t pretend I don’t love you…

So I go back to this work. Back to the madness. And keep myself busy.
And I forget about you.
Gone. Forgotten.
Until those last seconds before I fall asleep…