Love/Hate

It's a snow day so I'm at home going through my devices and I found the following 2 pieces on my iPad.  I realized that I haven't published a new blog post since 2012. Sheesh! I had some drafts saved from 2013 that I never published. When I ran across these two random I decided to publish them not only because it's been a while but because in essence they summed up some of my sporadic thoughts of 2013. 

If you've read any of my other posts you'd know I always title them last because I never know how they're going to turn out so I wait until I'm finished. I titled this one Love/Hate for several reasons. 

have a love/hate relationship with myself and my thoughts, certain people, my job, my body, everything! Always an extreme, never in the middle lol. But here's the first piece:

Wondering how I let it get this far

Again....

When does it stop

When do I learn

A master of giving the same advice I can never seem to take

I saved you

Now how do I save me

I appear to have it all figured out

Do they realize that I'm just as confused and broken

That I fight a losing battle with myself daily

But I'm the strong one. Show no fear. Show no defeat. 

It's hard to change once you've been conditioned this way

How do you let your guard down?

How do you give someone that much access?

I tried.... I failed. 

But did I try hard enough?

I want to change but where to start?

*This is the second piece

Every love song brings back that familiar feeling. 

You know the one.

Warm and complete. 

Escaping the confines of this self imprisonment. 

Souls touch just over the horizon. 

Fear of falling. 

Fear of wanting more and then being rejected. 

Stuck in a never ending battle with myself. 

Where to go from here. 

I'm just rambling on and on. 

Listening to these songs. 

Thinking about a person I've never met. 

In 2014 I'm going to try and be more consistent. I'm always busy and that's not always a good thing. I have a lot going on in the next couple of months and I actually want to document the journey :)