An Unparalleled Bond

December 7, 2005

Today my papa passed away. I really can't believe this. I knew it was coming but I just can't accept it.

My car was being fixed because it had a lot of stuff wrong so I took my mom's car to work. Not too long after I clocked in, I say approximately 23 minutes my mom walks in the store. I'm looking confused, like what's going on? How did she even get here? Automatically I assume I'm in trouble or that I've done something wrong. So I run through all the things I've done in the past week but nothing comes to mind. I ask her why she's here. That's when she tells me that my papa just passed away...

My throat instantly starts hurting like a huge knot is stuck and I feel like I can't breathe. I walk off crying as if my whole life had been shattered. Because in essence it had been. I could not believe it!

They say he died at about 4:30 pm and that he asked to be turned towards the window before he passed. It's crazy but I feel like that's symbolic, as if he knew he was about to live this Earth and going to be in his heavenly home with the Lord. I miss him and I am deeply hurt but I know he no longer has to suffer.

When someone close to you dies, that's the point from which you realize all the things you never got to tell them or show them You also realize what matters and what doesn't. I wish my papa would have lived to see me turn 18, graduate, and even get married. But I know that for a reason I may never understand God wanted him at this time. I don't know if I will ever be the same but I will continue to keep his memory alive and make him proud.
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That was an actual excerpt from my journal.

I dealt with death early in my life with the death of my my brother when I was five so this isn't something new to me. I think this was probably the most painful to deal with for the simple fact that no male in my life was as consistent as my papa. I never felt a consistent attachment with my daddy, boyfriends, or even my other beloved younger brother.

Losing my papa a little over 5 years ago I never knew the impact it would have on my life today. For a man to ask me to trust him or to love him unconditionally is hard considering the only man I ever felt that attachment with is no longer here to show me how to. And the man that should be the one to step in and do so lives by his own selfish motives. But i digress.

Basically what I want to say is, men if you have a daughter, niece, little cousin or whatever be that male figure that she looks up to. SHOW her love, don't just tell her. You can see a significant difference in girls who grew up with a positive male figure and those who did not. Though my papa wasn't here long, I cherish those 17 years I got to spend with the man I will forever view as my hero.

Head vs Heart

You’re content where you are, no need for change.
But you can’t deny these feelings you’re having are strange.

How can he be the ONE when he’s such a jerk.
How do you know he’s not the ONE if you’re scared to make it work?

What if you get hurt? Remember all those nights you cried?
You’re not afraid of heartbreak, you just have too much pride.

No need to blur the lines. He’s not a lover, he’s a friend.
But he does possess the qualities you search for in men.

You don’t want to ruin it. Things are going good.
If you don’t act now you’ll forever be misunderstood.

It’s a difficult situation. What if it doesn’t work out?
At least it gives you the chance to experience what true love is about.

You don’t love him. You’re addicted to wanting what you can’t have.
You know you love him. It’s him you gotta have.

If you tell him how you feel he probably won’t care.
If you don’t tell him you might miss out on a mutual feeling you both share.

He’s a man so like the rest he’ll lie and cheat.
He’s your friend. You know he won’t fill you with such deceit.

It’s all a mistake. You’re infatuated with false bliss.
You can’t deny how you felt during that first kiss.

You’re setting yourself up for nothing but heartache and pain.
Honestly, you know this love isn’t in vain.

Follow me, your MIND, I’m logical and I make sense. I know what’s best.
No, follow me, your HEART, I know your true desires. Don’t be left with regrets.


Conflict of interest. Who do you listen to??

Flaws and All

I wanted to discuss some "flaws" that others see in me as well as these same "flaws" I see in myself. I put flaws in quotations because a flaw is defined as "a feature that mars the perfection of something". Perfection is something that can never be attained so I don't really see flaws as something bad because even if you took away all your "flaws" somebody would still find something wrong with you. I digress.

I've been called out on numerous occasions about my "lack of care" regarding certain things and people. I'm quick to say "I don't care". But unlike most people, when I say it, 95% of the time I genuinely mean it. Worrying about things you have no control and really make you sick! Mainly the reason I got shingles 3 years ago lol. You get shingles from being stressed and I was like 20 years old stressing about other people's problems. I couldn't go to school or work for a week and I had to take meds. So when I say "I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS" or "I DON NOT CARE" it's not because I'm trying to be mean but I are more about my own personal health than whatever insignificant problem you're going through at the time. If it's really that bad, pray about it.


"That's your problem Jerisha, you don't care about nothing"
An ex told me that. Shingles was one cause of this "I don't care" attitude I have but also when you've been disappointed or hurt enough in life not caring is almost a reflex. This gets in the way of me meeting new people. I can meet a guy and we exchange numbers, talk, go out, whatever, but after about 3-7 days I lose any interest in attempting to maintain communication with that person. I put forth 0% effort. I don't allow myself to care about guys. I'm not bitter, scorned, or anything, I'm just too lazy to make something work. I'm 23 years old. I'm in no rush to have a family and kids. Maybe in 2 years I'll think about it. Or maybe I just haven't met anybody worth that effort. You make time for what you want. So if somebody tells you they can't be with you because of school, work, family, etc. it's all LIESSSS! If they want to be with you they WILL make a way.

I was going to get into some more things but I have schoolwork I need to be doing. ADD is probably my BIGGEST flaw lol. My attention span is equivalent to that of a 3 year old.

One more thing, the problem with some people is, they still see me as who I WAS and not as who I am now. In that case the flaw isn't with me, it's in your own misguided perception ;)

80/20 Rule

You ever have those moments where you feel like you're constantly getting the short end of the stick?

I go through phases in my life. There was a point where I was super nice to everybody, constantly being taken advantage of. So after that I got to a point where you couldn't get a question out good enough before you heard me say no. I've gotten past that point and now I'm somewhere in between. But lately I been feeling like all my friendships are 80/20 with me giving the 80% to communicate and maintain the friendships. I don't feel like my friendships should require as much work as a relationship, but then again that's just me.

I woke up with this on my mind and told myself that I'm no longer making the extra effort. Going back to the Jerisha circa 2006-2007. I will not be initiating texts and phone calls to my "friends". Sometimes you just need to distance yourself from people. If they care, they’ll notice. If they don’t, you know where you stand. This will also allow me to get more focused on school and my own personal growth.

An Endless LOVE

In the spirit of it being February and my last blog being about Valentine's Day it's only fitting that I talk about my first love :)

A past made up of obstacles, yet still no regrets
I sit and look upon my life. I reflect.
Images of the struggles that caused defeat.
Faces of the untruthful filled with deceit.

Shattered dreams and feelings of despair
A state of confusion making the future unclear.
A sense of stability I need to sustain.
Yet people, places, and things cause pain.

Floating in a sea of emotion, I fear I might drown.
I turn to music and bathe in the sound.
Sounds of inspiration that give me hope.
So in this sea of emotions I can stay afloat.

When the trials of life have trampled my feelings
The sound of a song provide emotional healing.
I often reflect and sometimes feel useless.
I turn to my first love. I turn to music...

Valentine's Day Massacre

Valentine's Day.
You either love it or you hate it.
People who tend to enjoy this holiday are usually the ones who have someone special to share it with. People's attitude towards the day changes as their relationship status changes.

At the current moment I don't have a valentine. I'm not bitter nor depressed about it because there have been PLENTY of years that my only valentine was my mom :)
It is my belief that if you truly love or care for someone, that should be embraced 365 days a year and not just on one day. I buy my mom, brother, and granny random gifts throughout the year without there ever being an occasion. Random thoughtful acts can get you far!

Love is an absolutely beautiful and amazing concept to me. It can also be a complex thing. In my opinion, to truly understand it, you would have to read the bible. (especially 1 Corinthians, chapter 13). Contrary to the beliefs of many heartbroken, bitter, and scorned men and women-- love doesn't hurt. It doesn't make you sad or cry. It doesn't lie and cheat. PEOPLE do all these things.

When you find love, embrace it! It's beautiful.

Domino effect

There are some dominoes on the table and you don't have anything else to do so you decide to line the dominoes up in a little pattern. You have to be careful because if you move too fast and are rough you could knock down all the ones you've already lined up. Of course as you go along one or two may accidentally fall and you pick those up and keep going. You're reaching closer to the end and have 3 dominoes left when all of a sudden somebody walks by and unintentionally bumps the table and all of the dominoes fall.....
You could simply pick the dominoes up and start again but instead you're frustrated so you just put the dominoes back in the box they came in and not even bother with it.

The next week you're back at the table and you see the box of dominoes. For a brief moment you think about stacking them again but then you remember what happened the last time and decide that you'd rather not even put in the effort. After all it would just be a waste of time...or would it be?



This metaphor came to me last night in a dream. The dominoes represent a relationship. As you go through a relationship with someone you're adding to it. Sharing time, ideas, experiences, etc. Each domino represents the deeper you get into the relationship. Of course there are trials and tribulations in every relationship. Those are the the few dominoes that fall down as your trying to continue building. You don't usually stop stacking your dominoes just because 2 or 3 fall along the way. You pick those up and keep going. Why? because you've already put in a lot of effort into what you're trying to build.


But sometimes no matter how careful we are, something happens and everything we've built comes crashing down...just like with the dominoes. It just wasn't meant to be. Whether purposely or unintentionally--things happen. The the next time we meet someone that we may actually like we don't pursue it because we remember what happened the last time....just like with the dominoes. We don't want to put in the time and effort out of fear that it will all be in vain. Because really....who wants to waste their precious time??

We have to stop looking at the box sitting on the table and start to build again...just like with the dominoes ;)

I wanna see something else in you before I invest in you.

I was at my friend's apartment yesterday and we were looking at the pictures shehad stored on her computer. I ran across a girl who as absolutely gorgeous. She had a nice shape, dressed well, and was a dancer at a strip club. This girl was actually involved with one of our mutual friends which seemed about right because she fit his "type": light skin, long weave. So it was no surprise that they had relations at some point. I so a bunch of pictures of them together kissing, sucking, and licking all over each other. Typical of him lol. So I inquired to see why they stopped talking and why he didn't have anything nice to say about her besides the fact that she had good sex.

My friend: She didn't have her s**t together

Me: What do you mean?

Her: She dances and then takes all the money she makes and blows it at the club. She doesn't have her own place. She has a son that doesn't live with her and who she rarely sees. She borrows money from people and never pays them back. I haven't talked to her since January. She moved and still owes me money.



This is something I have always pondered:

Why can't people BE what they SEEK?

You expect a man to take care of you, trust you, and be built like a Greek god. What exactly are you doing to to set yourself apart from the millions of other beautiful women in the world? A man will see pretty faces everyday so what else can you offer besides your looks? Good sex only gets you so far.

Ladies set yourself apart! Read a book sometimes. Get up on world events so you can have more to talk about than what celebrity is pregnant.




A man will say he wants a "good girl", with no kids, a model figure, pretty face, doesn't lie, minimum sexual partners, etc. But this will be the same guy that has slept with everybody in your city and the surrounding areas, lies about everything, has about 2 kids, mediocre face, and an average body. What exactly makes you so deserving of this ideal woman? What exactly are you bringing to the table besides your meat if that is even up to par?? And like I said before, good sex only gets you so far.

Fellas please realize that just because a girl is gorgeous doesn't mean she doesn't bleed every month like other chicks or that she doesn't have bowel movements on the regular. She's still human!

Song currently in rotation: Ambitious Girl-Wale

Ambitious girl, you just wanna win,
and you'd rather chase your dreams,
then to try to chase these men
that try to chase these skirts
that try to chase these shots with flavors not even as sweet as her...