I Woke Up in Love

I was in class yesterday reviewing for my final and in the back of my notebook I found some pages of notes I had written that had absolutely NOTHING to do with the lectures in class lol. The poem below is a product of me being physically in class, but mentally in an entire different world. A collection of thoughts in poetic verse :)

In the eternal depths of solitude
Hidden behind foolish pride
My mouth won't utter my heart's truth
Alone.


Inseparable.
Watching what used to be wither away.
Nostalgic.
Reminiscent of a time before
A time painted on the beautiful canvas of life.


Betrayed.
Now the colors fade.
Unfamiliar with these new shades


Feeling like that 15 year old girl
Not again.
Naiive again.
Betrayed again.
Starting over....again.


Lost everyone in search of THE ONE

Emotions bleed across my paper


No tears, just lost years.
What happened?


Sitting with my notebook
I grab a pen.
Ready to jot down my feelings.
The emotions within.


Just another girl.


This thing between us can't be explained.
I love you. But why???


Prisoner of my heart's desires.
Binded to irrational feelings.


A reflection of beauty
A glimpse of forever
Shaded by the past


Journey through my life.
Lived through disappointment
Disappointment wrapped in security
Hunger of the heart.
Wanting. Needing. Craving.


I woke up in love

CAKE

February 28th.

It's a day I've bragged on, loved, and cherished pretty much my whole life. It's my birthday! I put an exclamation mark at the end of that last sentence but I'm really not that excited. Actually I have a bunch of mixed emotions. I'm not where I thought I would be at 24 but I am blessed beyond measure. Instead of thoughts of cake, parties, and foolishness, I am so thankful for how far I've come and how much I plan to grow.

I'm not the person I want to be (yet), but I'm not the person I used to be. I'm eternally grateful for all my misfortunes and my blessings. I've distanced myself from a lot of people, places, and things, and often question whether I'm doing the right thing. But on the contrary I have had some blossoming friendships and family relationships that I am excited about.

I always say "even" years are my best years so I'm excited to see what 24 has in store.

Available to be Unavailable

For the past couple of weeks I’ve been observing, listening, and analyzing a lot of the situations that have been taking place around me. From those dealing with friends and associates, to ones involving close family members. My weeks of “research” have brought me to some final conclusions which I wanted to share.

Unavailable people. This could be unavailable physically or emotionally.

“I can’t give you what you want”
“I love you but I’m not in love with you.”
“You know my situation.”
“I’m bad news.”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I’m really busy.”
“I need more time.”
“What’s a nice girl like you doing with a guy like me?”
“I don’t have time for a relationship.”
“Let’s be friends. Keep it casual”
“You deserve better.”

I know everybody has heard one of these phrases at least once in life. I don’t claim to be a relationship guru because I’m single as a dollar bill, but what I do know is when somebody isn’t interested. All these phrases boil down to: “I don’t want a relationship”, “I’m not ready” , “I’m not interested” or “I’m not leaving my boyfriend/girlfriend for you but we can smash”, or “I only want you for a quick nut, an ego stroke, or a shoulder to lean on”. It’s because people don’t say these things directly that we believe they are “selling a dream”.

We don’t get the hint. We make excuses and use irrational logic as to how we’ll be the one to make a person change. I’m a firm believer that there is a man/woman out there that can make anybody change. If a person comes at you with the indirect statements above, then chances are you’re not that one for him/her.

It’s kind of like playing Taboo. A person is up there giving you hints as to what they what you to guess. Some are good hints and you guess the word right off. Others are more difficult and take you much longer to figure out. It’s your job as the person in charge of navigating your own life and setting and knowing your own boundaries, to be listening, watching, and acting upon those clues. They didn’t miss your call, they didn’t forget to text you back, they’re not too busy, they just are not interested!

Stop making excuses for people’s behavior. Stop playing the victim because if a person came out and said what was really on their mind, then your little feelings would be hurt. If you’re 21 and older there is no excuse to be as naïve as you were when you were 15 or 16.

Now don’t get me wrong, I respect a person who is straight up and direct with their intentions. Keeps a lot of confusion down.

“Yeah man, I told her straight up I just wanna hit and nothing else”

We’ve definitely heard some male in our life say that lol. But chances are you don’t know what that sir is feeding that young lady behind closed doors. Because if that was the case she wouldn’t be all emotionally distraught when they stopped messing around.

Also, if you want a relationship you don't need a “friend” that's trying to screw with your mind or screw you and enjoy the fringe benefits of a relationship without the commitment. In the end you’re doing yourself a disservice. The movie Friends With Benefits was good and all, but movies aren't reality. They give you false hope and expectations for your own situations. Let's be honest, most people who say they can be "friends with benefits" are the same ones on these emotional rollercoasters.

Straight From My Cerebrum

So I was up last night til about 4am because I was working on my midterm paper. When I finished I laying in bed and couldn't fall asleep so i opened my iphone notepad and just started writing random stuff and this is what came out of that. The first one is all over the place. It's really an assortment of thoughts with no particular order. I just let my mind wonder and typed everything I was thinking lol.

Forbidden love. Hidden passion. It's this thing. This thing we do. We've done. Will it last...Last but not least. It's the least you could do...Done. But wait...Waiting to exhale. I want you close to me. Inhale. Never forsake me...Do it for the sake of me. I read the story written across your face...Face it, you love me. But love is blind. Talk is cheap. I'm broke. Broken-hearted and lost. Lust. Lack of trust...Truth hurts. It hit me. Isaac Newton and that apple. Like Eve. Forbidden fruit. Forbidden love. Hidden passion.

If you know me you know exactly who this one was inspired by lol.

You're beautiful. Not just skin deep...penetration. The ultimate stimulation. Stimulate my mind. Intelligence. Smart man. Athlete with nice balls...basket. Dribble and dunk. I'm the basket...case maybe lol. But it's ok. 2 letters: JB. Tryna be JW. Wishful thinking. Just a thought ;)

And this was the last of my random thoughts.

All you need is it. Peace and it. It is blind. It triangle. No it lost, no it found. Make it, not war. The it of my life. Unlucky in it. Lucky in it. Better to have it and lost than never to have it at all. Fall in it. [LOVE].


I know those were all over the place. Forgive me if you don't understand them. Blame my delusional mind at 4am lol :)

Fifty

Most people who know me know that my mom has cancer. I don't really go into much detail about it because I don't like getting emotional every time I think about it. Throughout the years in my life I've developed passions towards three things: Cancer, Lou Gehrig's Disease, and Child Abuse.

Each of these issues has affected my life in a major way and I feel like I can't sit back and just let it go on. Being sad and dwelling on it won't fix anything. A lot of the choices I've made in my life were a result of one of the three. I've lost family members very close to me as a result of all three. But today I focus on cancer because this is the one that probably has affected me the most.

According to news report on MSNBC the top 10 most deadliest cancers are:
1. Lung
2. Colon and Rectal
3. Breast
4. Pancreatic
5. Prostate
6. Leukemia
7. Non-Hodgkin lymphoma
8. Liver
9. Ovarian
10. Esophageal

I lost a grandpa, a grandma, and 2 aunts to prostate, liver, ad colon cancers. I have a 19 year old cousin who I adore who has leukemia right now. I have a cousin with breast cancer. I know so many more with these diseases and as you can see most are in that top 10. I feel like cancer is all around me and I have to do something. It is my calling and my passion to work with cancer patients.

Though I love and admire the people I just mentioned, the one person that has affected my decision making the most is the one who suffers from 2 cancers, rectal and breast cancer. Both of which are at the top of the list. That person is my mother.

She is 41 and was diagnosed at 40. She just recently finished chemo and radiation treatments. She's had numerous surgeries and I've seen her in so much pain that I hurt with her. Last night I was driving back to Houston from Baton Rouge and she was giving me an update on her condition. She had gone to the doctor to see if the cancer was in remission. The doctor said it was but he wasn't very enthusiastic about it. And I can admit, neither was I. This is because I research about cancer EVERYDAY. I know so much about it and though I was thankful that treatment had worked for now I wasn't fully thrilled about it.

The doctor told her what I already knew. "The recurrence rate for rectal cancer is very high and when it returns, it returns much more aggressively and patients usually don't live very long." He also said "The chance of a rectal cancer patient your age living to see 50 is slim"

Everything he said I was already aware of. But it's not my place to tell her that. Her spirits are always so high and that has a lot to do with the life span of cancer patients.

What she said to me after that has resonated with me since last night. She said "I'm going to keep living my life. I feel great. I pray to God everyday that the cancer never returns and if it does I hope it's not aggressive. Y'all don't be sad if something happens to me. I have enjoyed and lived a good life. I will go to heaven and be with my daddy and Trey. But I have FAITH that it won't return and I'll be here for a long time."

I admire her strength and her faith. I really wish you guys could have heard our whole conversation! It was unlike any other I had ever had. It's like she really just KNEW! I love that! I want my faith to be that strong so I'm working on it. I'll also be working on my mom's 50th birthday party. I know she will have one. I have FAITH :)

Less Cancer, More Birthdays

September 26

Today my brother would have turned 22 years old. Crazy because a lot of people never knew I had another brother other than Gerald. But before Gerald there was Gerterius Travon, but we all called him Trey. And though I was young at the time of his death I can still see vividly the images of a brother whom I adored. He was absolutely adorable with the best hair you would ever imagine! Lol

He was a curious child who always asked questions. A LOT of questions lol. And if nobody was around to answer his questions he would just explore things on his own. Like the time he set a bag of food from Burger King on fire because it was on the stove and he was trying to “warm it up”. He thought it worked like the microwave lol.

It’s funny how the human mind works because I can still remember the morning of my brother’s death and at the time I was 5 but I can’t even tell you what I wore 3 days ago. We had Frosted Flakes for breakfast, and to this day that’s my favorite cereal. I won’t go into details about everything that happened during this time period because tears stream down my cheeks as I type and reminisce about this. But my brother was forced into a tub of burning hot water and was scalded on the majority of his body.

The lady, who was our babysitter at the time, was responsible for this and when he went into shock and stopped breathing you know who she called in the back room to try and help revive him…me. I saw my brother lying on a floor lifeless and skin burned so badly that all I could do is stare. I was in shock. He had to be rushed to the ER and I still remember waiting in the lobby with all of my family. I saw my mom and dad hurting so I said told myself I wouldn’t cry so that they could see I was strong and that I was a “big girl”.

We finally got to see my brother and his body was all wrapped up and he wasn’t saying much. They didn’t want me to see him this way so I had to leave. He passed shortly after. I still remember the single red rose I put on his casket right before they buried him.

But through all that what hurt me the most is when I had to go talk to a lawyer at 5 and defend myself because the woman that did this to my brother told police that I was the one responsible. No I didn’t hold my brother down in that water and scald his entire body and for her to blame that on a 5 year old is just sick. But for years I blamed myself for my brother’s death because I feel like I could have saved him. I could have saved US.

I say this because during that time I experienced the most physical abuse in my life. I whipped with belts, shoes, phones, brushes, extension cords, and pretty much whatever was available. This was EVERYDAY. Not because I was bad child, because I excelled in school and I was never a discipline problem. She had the problem. She would lock me in the back room for hours every day where I would just cry silently to myself because if she heard me I would get whipped again. Around the time she knew my mom or granny was on the way home she would let me out and be really nice to me so I wouldn’t tell on her. This went on for so long. I could give a list of everything that happened in that house but I’m crying just typing this.

I’m going to wrap this up because I didn’t know it would be this hard. I didn’t tell my mom and dad about none of this until my sophomore year of high school. I had so much anger and resentment growing up because they left me there with her. I should have said something then and maybe Trey would still be here. But as a child you’re so scared that you really don’t know what to do. Fear can really dominate your life.

Things that happened in my past have truly shaped the person I am today. Yes, I talk about Gerald a lot because once you lose a brother it makes you super protective of the one you have. I hate that he was robbed of having a big brother but I will be the best big sis he could have. I’ve also learned forgiveness. I finally forgave myself and I forgave her. By far one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. When you forgive people that wrong you, you take your power back.

We’re so quick to judge people’s actions but fail to realize that everybody has a story. I loooooove kids. I'm great with kids. I am avid about stopping child abuse and I hope my story can help someone else.


-A report of child abuse is made every 10 seconds
-1 in 3 girls is sexually assaulted before the age of 18.
-1 in 7 children is abused
-5 children die every day as a result of child abuse.
-About 80% of 21 year olds that were abused as children met criteria for at least one psychological disorder

Where Are You??

It’s an intense desire
An irrational and irresistible motive
A devotion
A calling
Some say it’s destiny
Others say fate
I don’t want to miss you
Sometimes I think I’ve found you
And then I feel the forces pulling me away
A new direction
But is this what I love?
Is this my desire?
My devotion? My calling?
Could this be my destiny? My fate?

I’m lost again
Back where I started
I want to find you
To be consumed with you
For people to know my love for you without me speaking a word
Drowning in a sea of emotions
WHERE ARE YOU??
I’m ready to discover u
My PASSION…

You graduate college and it's an amazing time. You're so excited about graduation events that you fail to realize that real life starts after this. Me as well as a plethora of my friends have had that post graduation struggle and are still in it. It's very misleading to think that just because you have a degree you're gonna get a job in your field right after school. a fortunate few do but for the majority of us, that's not the case. I think you reflect on your life the most the first year after graduation lol. Be confident and patient, knowing that each day you are moving one step closer to everything you want. All you heart's desires come in the perfect time. Be ready to see your life in new and exciting ways :)

Too Blessed to be Stressed?

I'm the queen of saying "I don't care" or "I don't have time for this" so how did I let myself get this dressed out?

Crazy thing is I never know I'm stressed until something happens to me physically like when I got shingles in 2009. I had never even heard of shingles so when the doctor told me I had them I was like "what is that?". That's when he told me it was brought on because of stress and he proceeded to ask me what I had been stressing about and I couldn't even think of what it could be. Sad.

So today I was washing clothes and cleaning my apartment and I randomly got light headed and hot so I sat down. That's when I got that feeling in my stomach and I knew I was about to throw up. I hadn't eaten anything so I was confused and this was different because I was throwing up blood and water which has never happened. I went to lie down and took a nap. I woke up and finished cleaning and did my hair. As I was combing my hair it was coming out! I panicked. I've been noticing this for the last couple of weeks but I thought it was just shedding. That's when I went to my trusted WebMD app and did my own diagnosis. They had a bunch of suggestions which I pretty much canceled out and I realized that I'm stressed!

I really feel like since I'm not working right now and I'm not in school, whyyyyy am I stressed?? But then I realized that all this alone time I have makes me think about and over-analyze all the situations in my life: finances, my mom's health, my daddy changing into this man I don't know and marrying this woman I don't like, my brother and his distance,caring about somebody that I shouldn't be caring about, wanting to switch my major and wondering if I'm making the right decision, inconsistent friends, becoming obsessed with my health, and a list of other things.

I have too much time to sit and focus on all those things and what have I done?...stressed myself out. Now I've gotten myself sick and losing hair which I thought would never happen to me. My mama wants me to go to the doctor and see if they'll prescribe something but I know my problem and I really don't think it's nothing he can do to de-stress me. I have to figure that out on my own. I just hate that I let it get this far.

I realize and acknowledge how blessed I am everyday. My problem is I worry about other people, particularly my family, more than I do about myself. I never want to be a burden on them and everything I do is to please them. I just want to see them happy. I try too hard to be everything for everybody else

But I talked to my mama, read my bible, and prayed. Only thing left to do is take a vacation ;)

p.s.- If you know me, you know I relate every situation I go through to a song. The song that describes my mood and situation right now is probably Getaway by Monica. I'm actually listening to it as I type this :)