Inspired by a Text

I just had a text conversation that lead me to turning on my ipod and pulling out my laptop and just type. This is the product of that conversation and those slow jams I was listening to.


Memories fade, pictures are lost, and I watch time pass

What exactly makes love last?

We’ve been through it all. The trials and tribulations.

So I asked the questions with no expectations

I asked about your future and where you wanna be

Gotta admit, it kinda hurt that it didn’t include me.

You claimed to have it all but something was missing

“He misses you!” I thought….but I know I was tripping

“I really want love. I never had it. I think I’m ready”

I sat there confused and hurt. Eyelids heavy.

As I read the text I wanted to die.

Instead I sucked it up. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry.

I guess it was good that he finally came clean

Still feel played that I bought all the dreams

Maybe I’m naïve or just plain dumb

Because in the back of my mind I feel like I still won

I’ve experienced that love that he yearns for

That selfless love that makes you want a person more and more

I felt that for him though he never felt the same

Experienced a lot of pain but still had something to gain

We both possess our own meaning of the 4 letter word. It can be debated.

All I do know is that my “love” was never reciprocated.

It’s funny because I told myself I would never fall

But I guess it really is better to have loved and lost than to never love at all

I hope he finds a love suitable for the task

Until then I still wanna know what makes love last…

Lust Love and Loss

Ok so it's almost 3 in the morning and I took a 3 hour nap earlier so I'm wide awake! I should be doing something productive like cleaning up because my apartment, especially my room. It is a MESS!

But I digress. I'm actually going through some old pictures and documents on my external hard drive and I ran across some poems I wrote back in 2009. The one I want to share right now was written April 20, 2009 and after reading it I was trying to think back as to who was my inspiration behind it because I was confused lol. I think I have an idea though ;))

You’ve become his replacement but I feel you are the same

To take my heart and keep it, used as a pun in your game.

A never ending cycle of lust, love, and loss

Getting what you want regardless of the cost

Thought you would be the one to free my heart of pain

Instead you tortured it more and put my feelings to shame.

Getting to know you helped me understand me

All I thought I was I no longer could see

Thought I was confident, fearless, and strong

Spending time with you, I realized I was wrong

I’m insecure, afraid, and fragile

Hoping for progression but this love is gradual

Did I say love? Because I meant to say lust

Love is everlasting. Love is trust…

Between the T’s in trust, you have to have US…

But there is no us. There’s u and there’s me

There is nothing. Especially no L-O-V-E…



I would go into a drawn out explanation with some background info but this one is pretty self explanatory.

FYI: I'm not in the "lust-love-loss" cycle anymore. I can never get past lust these days lol

An Unparalleled Bond

December 7, 2005

Today my papa passed away. I really can't believe this. I knew it was coming but I just can't accept it.

My car was being fixed because it had a lot of stuff wrong so I took my mom's car to work. Not too long after I clocked in, I say approximately 23 minutes my mom walks in the store. I'm looking confused, like what's going on? How did she even get here? Automatically I assume I'm in trouble or that I've done something wrong. So I run through all the things I've done in the past week but nothing comes to mind. I ask her why she's here. That's when she tells me that my papa just passed away...

My throat instantly starts hurting like a huge knot is stuck and I feel like I can't breathe. I walk off crying as if my whole life had been shattered. Because in essence it had been. I could not believe it!

They say he died at about 4:30 pm and that he asked to be turned towards the window before he passed. It's crazy but I feel like that's symbolic, as if he knew he was about to live this Earth and going to be in his heavenly home with the Lord. I miss him and I am deeply hurt but I know he no longer has to suffer.

When someone close to you dies, that's the point from which you realize all the things you never got to tell them or show them You also realize what matters and what doesn't. I wish my papa would have lived to see me turn 18, graduate, and even get married. But I know that for a reason I may never understand God wanted him at this time. I don't know if I will ever be the same but I will continue to keep his memory alive and make him proud.
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That was an actual excerpt from my journal.

I dealt with death early in my life with the death of my my brother when I was five so this isn't something new to me. I think this was probably the most painful to deal with for the simple fact that no male in my life was as consistent as my papa. I never felt a consistent attachment with my daddy, boyfriends, or even my other beloved younger brother.

Losing my papa a little over 5 years ago I never knew the impact it would have on my life today. For a man to ask me to trust him or to love him unconditionally is hard considering the only man I ever felt that attachment with is no longer here to show me how to. And the man that should be the one to step in and do so lives by his own selfish motives. But i digress.

Basically what I want to say is, men if you have a daughter, niece, little cousin or whatever be that male figure that she looks up to. SHOW her love, don't just tell her. You can see a significant difference in girls who grew up with a positive male figure and those who did not. Though my papa wasn't here long, I cherish those 17 years I got to spend with the man I will forever view as my hero.

Head vs Heart

You’re content where you are, no need for change.
But you can’t deny these feelings you’re having are strange.

How can he be the ONE when he’s such a jerk.
How do you know he’s not the ONE if you’re scared to make it work?

What if you get hurt? Remember all those nights you cried?
You’re not afraid of heartbreak, you just have too much pride.

No need to blur the lines. He’s not a lover, he’s a friend.
But he does possess the qualities you search for in men.

You don’t want to ruin it. Things are going good.
If you don’t act now you’ll forever be misunderstood.

It’s a difficult situation. What if it doesn’t work out?
At least it gives you the chance to experience what true love is about.

You don’t love him. You’re addicted to wanting what you can’t have.
You know you love him. It’s him you gotta have.

If you tell him how you feel he probably won’t care.
If you don’t tell him you might miss out on a mutual feeling you both share.

He’s a man so like the rest he’ll lie and cheat.
He’s your friend. You know he won’t fill you with such deceit.

It’s all a mistake. You’re infatuated with false bliss.
You can’t deny how you felt during that first kiss.

You’re setting yourself up for nothing but heartache and pain.
Honestly, you know this love isn’t in vain.

Follow me, your MIND, I’m logical and I make sense. I know what’s best.
No, follow me, your HEART, I know your true desires. Don’t be left with regrets.


Conflict of interest. Who do you listen to??

Flaws and All

I wanted to discuss some "flaws" that others see in me as well as these same "flaws" I see in myself. I put flaws in quotations because a flaw is defined as "a feature that mars the perfection of something". Perfection is something that can never be attained so I don't really see flaws as something bad because even if you took away all your "flaws" somebody would still find something wrong with you. I digress.

I've been called out on numerous occasions about my "lack of care" regarding certain things and people. I'm quick to say "I don't care". But unlike most people, when I say it, 95% of the time I genuinely mean it. Worrying about things you have no control and really make you sick! Mainly the reason I got shingles 3 years ago lol. You get shingles from being stressed and I was like 20 years old stressing about other people's problems. I couldn't go to school or work for a week and I had to take meds. So when I say "I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS" or "I DON NOT CARE" it's not because I'm trying to be mean but I are more about my own personal health than whatever insignificant problem you're going through at the time. If it's really that bad, pray about it.


"That's your problem Jerisha, you don't care about nothing"
An ex told me that. Shingles was one cause of this "I don't care" attitude I have but also when you've been disappointed or hurt enough in life not caring is almost a reflex. This gets in the way of me meeting new people. I can meet a guy and we exchange numbers, talk, go out, whatever, but after about 3-7 days I lose any interest in attempting to maintain communication with that person. I put forth 0% effort. I don't allow myself to care about guys. I'm not bitter, scorned, or anything, I'm just too lazy to make something work. I'm 23 years old. I'm in no rush to have a family and kids. Maybe in 2 years I'll think about it. Or maybe I just haven't met anybody worth that effort. You make time for what you want. So if somebody tells you they can't be with you because of school, work, family, etc. it's all LIESSSS! If they want to be with you they WILL make a way.

I was going to get into some more things but I have schoolwork I need to be doing. ADD is probably my BIGGEST flaw lol. My attention span is equivalent to that of a 3 year old.

One more thing, the problem with some people is, they still see me as who I WAS and not as who I am now. In that case the flaw isn't with me, it's in your own misguided perception ;)

80/20 Rule

You ever have those moments where you feel like you're constantly getting the short end of the stick?

I go through phases in my life. There was a point where I was super nice to everybody, constantly being taken advantage of. So after that I got to a point where you couldn't get a question out good enough before you heard me say no. I've gotten past that point and now I'm somewhere in between. But lately I been feeling like all my friendships are 80/20 with me giving the 80% to communicate and maintain the friendships. I don't feel like my friendships should require as much work as a relationship, but then again that's just me.

I woke up with this on my mind and told myself that I'm no longer making the extra effort. Going back to the Jerisha circa 2006-2007. I will not be initiating texts and phone calls to my "friends". Sometimes you just need to distance yourself from people. If they care, they’ll notice. If they don’t, you know where you stand. This will also allow me to get more focused on school and my own personal growth.

An Endless LOVE

In the spirit of it being February and my last blog being about Valentine's Day it's only fitting that I talk about my first love :)

A past made up of obstacles, yet still no regrets
I sit and look upon my life. I reflect.
Images of the struggles that caused defeat.
Faces of the untruthful filled with deceit.

Shattered dreams and feelings of despair
A state of confusion making the future unclear.
A sense of stability I need to sustain.
Yet people, places, and things cause pain.

Floating in a sea of emotion, I fear I might drown.
I turn to music and bathe in the sound.
Sounds of inspiration that give me hope.
So in this sea of emotions I can stay afloat.

When the trials of life have trampled my feelings
The sound of a song provide emotional healing.
I often reflect and sometimes feel useless.
I turn to my first love. I turn to music...

Valentine's Day Massacre

Valentine's Day.
You either love it or you hate it.
People who tend to enjoy this holiday are usually the ones who have someone special to share it with. People's attitude towards the day changes as their relationship status changes.

At the current moment I don't have a valentine. I'm not bitter nor depressed about it because there have been PLENTY of years that my only valentine was my mom :)
It is my belief that if you truly love or care for someone, that should be embraced 365 days a year and not just on one day. I buy my mom, brother, and granny random gifts throughout the year without there ever being an occasion. Random thoughtful acts can get you far!

Love is an absolutely beautiful and amazing concept to me. It can also be a complex thing. In my opinion, to truly understand it, you would have to read the bible. (especially 1 Corinthians, chapter 13). Contrary to the beliefs of many heartbroken, bitter, and scorned men and women-- love doesn't hurt. It doesn't make you sad or cry. It doesn't lie and cheat. PEOPLE do all these things.

When you find love, embrace it! It's beautiful.