How are You?

You never really know the intricate details, complexities, and battles a person is facing just by looking at them. A smile here. A laugh there. Masks that we all wear.
"How are you?"

"I'm good."

"I'm fine."

As we continue on our way, not good and not fine. Proper and socially acceptable responses to a question asked by so many as a common courtesy. How many people have answered this question honestly 100% of the time?

If we really answered truthfully when the question is posed people may look at us weird or with a blank stare.

"How are you?"

"I'm heartbroken. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm lost. I'm confused. My brother's life has been destroyed and there's nothing I can do about it. How could I let this happen again? To the last brother I have left. I worry about my mother's health. I am nothing without her. I can't lose her. Me and my younger sister are strangers. I'm supposed to be her role model. How could I let us become so estranged? My dad has been aloof lately. What is he hiding? My granny is struggling with a gambling addiction. And let me not even get started on the things that are going on with me. I'm not good. I'm not fine."

We can't say that though. That's not what people want to hear. That's not what people are prepared to hear.

We say the answers people expect to hear because it's become routine. We are creatures of habit.

I'm not looking for sympathy or a pity party. That's never been my thing. Primarily because even though you can empathize or sympathize with me, you could never fully understand everything that has gotten me to this point. That's the reason I don't care to talk about things I'm dealing with. Writing is my way to cope. Writing is my release. That, and prayer. My faith is stronger than any of my circumstances and I know God's got me. So...

"How am I?"

"I'm good. I'm fine."

:)

Love/Hate

It's a snow day so I'm at home going through my devices and I found the following 2 pieces on my iPad.  I realized that I haven't published a new blog post since 2012. Sheesh! I had some drafts saved from 2013 that I never published. When I ran across these two random I decided to publish them not only because it's been a while but because in essence they summed up some of my sporadic thoughts of 2013. 

If you've read any of my other posts you'd know I always title them last because I never know how they're going to turn out so I wait until I'm finished. I titled this one Love/Hate for several reasons. 

have a love/hate relationship with myself and my thoughts, certain people, my job, my body, everything! Always an extreme, never in the middle lol. But here's the first piece:

Wondering how I let it get this far

Again....

When does it stop

When do I learn

A master of giving the same advice I can never seem to take

I saved you

Now how do I save me

I appear to have it all figured out

Do they realize that I'm just as confused and broken

That I fight a losing battle with myself daily

But I'm the strong one. Show no fear. Show no defeat. 

It's hard to change once you've been conditioned this way

How do you let your guard down?

How do you give someone that much access?

I tried.... I failed. 

But did I try hard enough?

I want to change but where to start?

*This is the second piece

Every love song brings back that familiar feeling. 

You know the one.

Warm and complete. 

Escaping the confines of this self imprisonment. 

Souls touch just over the horizon. 

Fear of falling. 

Fear of wanting more and then being rejected. 

Stuck in a never ending battle with myself. 

Where to go from here. 

I'm just rambling on and on. 

Listening to these songs. 

Thinking about a person I've never met. 

In 2014 I'm going to try and be more consistent. I'm always busy and that's not always a good thing. I have a lot going on in the next couple of months and I actually want to document the journey :)

Solitude

It's always at the times when I a ton of work to do that I decide I want to catch up on my blog. Tis the life of a procrastinator. It great irony that I enjoy writing as a means to express myself as I stated in my first blog but I really really hate writing papers for school. Which is exactly what I should be doing right now.

Each time I come here I never know what I'm going to say. Will I open up about a tragic event of my past, publish a poem I wrote, give my opinion on a particular issue, tell a story, or just express some random feelings. And I guess that's the beauty of it all. I come with no specific intentions. I just write what's on my mind or heart at the moment.

Lately a whirlwind of thoughts have consumed me. And when they are originally conceived they make perfect sense, but when trying to orally articulate and even write those thoughts I often get confused and frustrated.

I write notes on my ipad which unintentionally after I read them are poetic pieces. I think my mind formulates thoughts in poetic verse because I swear when I'm typing it I don't mean for it to be a poem lol.

How did I let it get this far?
Again...
When does it stop?
When does one learn?
A master of giving the same advice I can never seem to take.
You were lost, alone, afraid, and hurt.
I saved you.
Now I am you.
So how do I save me?

I appear to have it all figured out.
Do they realize that I'm just as confused. Just as broken.
That I fight a losing battle with myself daily.
I can't escape my own self imprisonment.

But I'm the strong one. Show no fear. Show no defeat.
Never ever show weakness.
It's hard to change once you've been conditioned this way.

How do you let your guard down?
How do you give someone that much access?
I tried.....I failed.
But did I really try hard enough?

I want to change.
I want YOU to change
But where do WE start?

So I resort to what I know best.
Just let it go.
Whatever "it" is.
Show no fear. Show no defeat.
Never ever show weakness.

I saved you.
Now I have to save me.

That was just a piece I started in my ipad and finished today. I'm an avid poetry reader and Tupac fan. And if you know me you know my Pac obsession is real lol. But I wanted to leave you with one of my favorite poems of his because I relate to it the most. He gets it.

In the Depths of Solitude

i exist in the depths of solitude
pondering my true goal
trying 2 find peace of mind
and still preserve my soul
constantly yearning 2 be accepted
and from all receive respect
never comprising but sometimes risky
and that is my only regret
a young heart with an old soul
how can there be peace
how can i be in the depths of solitude
when there r 2 inside of me
this duo within me causes
the perfect opportunity
2 learn and live twice as fast
as those who accept simplicity


I understand. I get it.

Bedtime Thoughts

Written last night before I went to bed.


Blasting my music so I won’t hear my thoughts.
The lyrics remind me of what I’m trying to forget. You.
I look around I wonder how I got here. What am I doing?
Consciously blocking out others, I accidentally let you slip in.
A reverse robbery. Instead of taking anything, you gave me something.
Feelings? Attention? Conversation? Love?
Whatever the case I must leave.
It’s not that I don’t enjoy the very essence of you.
Everything you are. Despite flaws and frustrations.
I’m distancing myself because I can’t have you.

As much as I want to believe things didn’t change, I must accept the fact that they did.
As much as I want to pretend I don’t care, the simple fact remains that I do.
And I don’t care about much.
You know this.
So why care about you?
Who are you to come into my life and destroy the security I built.
Something great turned into something gone.
What did I get myself into?
Dreams, fantasies, illusions.
You were selling, and I bought them all.
Now I’m broke. Broken.
For a split second I thought I could be the one. Your one.
Then realize the other six “ones” who believe it’s them.

Single solitude. All alone.
Surrounded by an abundance of love.
None of which is for me.
A slap in the face. Is it me?
Or was it you?
Incapable of loving another.
But my heart yearns for it. My soul aches for it.
Hurting.
As I watch the love of others radiate from within, giving hope to the hopeless.
A beacon of light that transcends the depths of this darkness.
I want that. I had that. I lost that.
So I wait for another chance.
But my wait isn’t patient, it’s persistent.

These are just some thoughts when my mind is idle and my heart is free.
And vulnerability has me under her spell.
I can fake a smile, I can pretend to be happy.
I can do a lot of things, but I can’t pretend I don’t love you…

So I go back to this work. Back to the madness. And keep myself busy.
And I forget about you.
Gone. Forgotten.
Until those last seconds before I fall asleep…

It Was All a Dream...

I was teaching a class to underprivileged youth.
Frustration filled me as they did everything but attempt to grasp the concepts I was teaching.
I go to my desk, put my head down. Fed up.
Why can't they just listen and follow instructions?
I began to question every aspect of my life.
Should I be in grad school?
Was I making good decisions?
Did I cut the right people out of my life?
I just needed direction.
In anger, frustration, and sadness I began to weep.
I shed tears for the troubles of my past.
I shed tears for my current state of confusion.
I shed tears for the future I couldn't seem to piece together.
Hurt. Shattered dreams.
I reminisce on 18 year old Jerisha who had a plan.
10 year Jerisha who had a plan.
Even 7 year old Jerisha had a plan.
The Jerisha of 24 was lost.
I had my head on my desk.
I could hear the students laughing and throwing things at one another.
Something told me to pick my head up.
I looked at the entrance of the classroom.
I squinted at the bright light that was shining through.
Was I dead? I was confused.
I saw a figure. A familiar figure.
I got up and walked towards it.
As I got closer tears of pain turned to joy as I saw the man.
The man I had admired my entire life.
It was my papa.
Not the papa that was laying in that hospital bed for months.
Not the papa that couldn't talk and was difficult to understand.
Not the papa with the body plagued by illness and disease.
But it was the papa that taught me how to tie my shoes.
The papa that treated me like a queen.
The papa that loved me more than life itself.
A tall, healthy man.
I ran into his embrace.
So happy I couldn't speak.
Tears of joy!
"Pumpkin, you're doing the right things. You're exactly where you're suppose to be. I'm proud of you."
I wanted to ask him so much.
Tell him so much.
Hug him so much.
But before I could, it was over.
I woke up with tears in my eyes.
Not tears of sadness.
Tears of extreme joy.
A beautiful dream.
Reassurance from God sent through a dream.
I guess that's the only time He can get us still and focused enough to listen and pay attention.
I feel like I'm sometimes like the kids in my dream.
Distracted by life, going about and not listening.
Not paying attention and doing my own thing.
I think God is me at times.
Frustrated and fed up.


I had this dream a few months ago when I woke up I decided to write down the experience. I was at a point where I was just so lost and confused. So much was happening and I didn't know what I was suppose to do. I was making decisions not knowing if they were the right ones or not. When you're a child all your decisions are made for you and life is simple. As an adult you're making your own decisions and basically hoping for the best outcome lol. I needed that reassurance. I had that dream about 3 months ago and I can honestly say that since then things have been great. I'm confident in my decision making, job, school work, relationships, and family :)

I Woke Up in Love

I was in class yesterday reviewing for my final and in the back of my notebook I found some pages of notes I had written that had absolutely NOTHING to do with the lectures in class lol. The poem below is a product of me being physically in class, but mentally in an entire different world. A collection of thoughts in poetic verse :)

In the eternal depths of solitude
Hidden behind foolish pride
My mouth won't utter my heart's truth
Alone.


Inseparable.
Watching what used to be wither away.
Nostalgic.
Reminiscent of a time before
A time painted on the beautiful canvas of life.


Betrayed.
Now the colors fade.
Unfamiliar with these new shades


Feeling like that 15 year old girl
Not again.
Naiive again.
Betrayed again.
Starting over....again.


Lost everyone in search of THE ONE

Emotions bleed across my paper


No tears, just lost years.
What happened?


Sitting with my notebook
I grab a pen.
Ready to jot down my feelings.
The emotions within.


Just another girl.


This thing between us can't be explained.
I love you. But why???


Prisoner of my heart's desires.
Binded to irrational feelings.


A reflection of beauty
A glimpse of forever
Shaded by the past


Journey through my life.
Lived through disappointment
Disappointment wrapped in security
Hunger of the heart.
Wanting. Needing. Craving.


I woke up in love

CAKE

February 28th.

It's a day I've bragged on, loved, and cherished pretty much my whole life. It's my birthday! I put an exclamation mark at the end of that last sentence but I'm really not that excited. Actually I have a bunch of mixed emotions. I'm not where I thought I would be at 24 but I am blessed beyond measure. Instead of thoughts of cake, parties, and foolishness, I am so thankful for how far I've come and how much I plan to grow.

I'm not the person I want to be (yet), but I'm not the person I used to be. I'm eternally grateful for all my misfortunes and my blessings. I've distanced myself from a lot of people, places, and things, and often question whether I'm doing the right thing. But on the contrary I have had some blossoming friendships and family relationships that I am excited about.

I always say "even" years are my best years so I'm excited to see what 24 has in store.

Available to be Unavailable

For the past couple of weeks I’ve been observing, listening, and analyzing a lot of the situations that have been taking place around me. From those dealing with friends and associates, to ones involving close family members. My weeks of “research” have brought me to some final conclusions which I wanted to share.

Unavailable people. This could be unavailable physically or emotionally.

“I can’t give you what you want”
“I love you but I’m not in love with you.”
“You know my situation.”
“I’m bad news.”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I’m really busy.”
“I need more time.”
“What’s a nice girl like you doing with a guy like me?”
“I don’t have time for a relationship.”
“Let’s be friends. Keep it casual”
“You deserve better.”

I know everybody has heard one of these phrases at least once in life. I don’t claim to be a relationship guru because I’m single as a dollar bill, but what I do know is when somebody isn’t interested. All these phrases boil down to: “I don’t want a relationship”, “I’m not ready” , “I’m not interested” or “I’m not leaving my boyfriend/girlfriend for you but we can smash”, or “I only want you for a quick nut, an ego stroke, or a shoulder to lean on”. It’s because people don’t say these things directly that we believe they are “selling a dream”.

We don’t get the hint. We make excuses and use irrational logic as to how we’ll be the one to make a person change. I’m a firm believer that there is a man/woman out there that can make anybody change. If a person comes at you with the indirect statements above, then chances are you’re not that one for him/her.

It’s kind of like playing Taboo. A person is up there giving you hints as to what they what you to guess. Some are good hints and you guess the word right off. Others are more difficult and take you much longer to figure out. It’s your job as the person in charge of navigating your own life and setting and knowing your own boundaries, to be listening, watching, and acting upon those clues. They didn’t miss your call, they didn’t forget to text you back, they’re not too busy, they just are not interested!

Stop making excuses for people’s behavior. Stop playing the victim because if a person came out and said what was really on their mind, then your little feelings would be hurt. If you’re 21 and older there is no excuse to be as naïve as you were when you were 15 or 16.

Now don’t get me wrong, I respect a person who is straight up and direct with their intentions. Keeps a lot of confusion down.

“Yeah man, I told her straight up I just wanna hit and nothing else”

We’ve definitely heard some male in our life say that lol. But chances are you don’t know what that sir is feeding that young lady behind closed doors. Because if that was the case she wouldn’t be all emotionally distraught when they stopped messing around.

Also, if you want a relationship you don't need a “friend” that's trying to screw with your mind or screw you and enjoy the fringe benefits of a relationship without the commitment. In the end you’re doing yourself a disservice. The movie Friends With Benefits was good and all, but movies aren't reality. They give you false hope and expectations for your own situations. Let's be honest, most people who say they can be "friends with benefits" are the same ones on these emotional rollercoasters.