How are You?

You never really know the intricate details, complexities, and battles a person is facing just by looking at them. A smile here. A laugh there. Masks that we all wear.
"How are you?"

"I'm good."

"I'm fine."

As we continue on our way, not good and not fine. Proper and socially acceptable responses to a question asked by so many as a common courtesy. How many people have answered this question honestly 100% of the time?

If we really answered truthfully when the question is posed people may look at us weird or with a blank stare.

"How are you?"

"I'm heartbroken. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm lost. I'm confused. My brother's life has been destroyed and there's nothing I can do about it. How could I let this happen again? To the last brother I have left. I worry about my mother's health. I am nothing without her. I can't lose her. Me and my younger sister are strangers. I'm supposed to be her role model. How could I let us become so estranged? My dad has been aloof lately. What is he hiding? My granny is struggling with a gambling addiction. And let me not even get started on the things that are going on with me. I'm not good. I'm not fine."

We can't say that though. That's not what people want to hear. That's not what people are prepared to hear.

We say the answers people expect to hear because it's become routine. We are creatures of habit.

I'm not looking for sympathy or a pity party. That's never been my thing. Primarily because even though you can empathize or sympathize with me, you could never fully understand everything that has gotten me to this point. That's the reason I don't care to talk about things I'm dealing with. Writing is my way to cope. Writing is my release. That, and prayer. My faith is stronger than any of my circumstances and I know God's got me. So...

"How am I?"

"I'm good. I'm fine."

:)

Love/Hate

It's a snow day so I'm at home going through my devices and I found the following 2 pieces on my iPad.  I realized that I haven't published a new blog post since 2012. Sheesh! I had some drafts saved from 2013 that I never published. When I ran across these two random I decided to publish them not only because it's been a while but because in essence they summed up some of my sporadic thoughts of 2013. 

If you've read any of my other posts you'd know I always title them last because I never know how they're going to turn out so I wait until I'm finished. I titled this one Love/Hate for several reasons. 

have a love/hate relationship with myself and my thoughts, certain people, my job, my body, everything! Always an extreme, never in the middle lol. But here's the first piece:

Wondering how I let it get this far

Again....

When does it stop

When do I learn

A master of giving the same advice I can never seem to take

I saved you

Now how do I save me

I appear to have it all figured out

Do they realize that I'm just as confused and broken

That I fight a losing battle with myself daily

But I'm the strong one. Show no fear. Show no defeat. 

It's hard to change once you've been conditioned this way

How do you let your guard down?

How do you give someone that much access?

I tried.... I failed. 

But did I try hard enough?

I want to change but where to start?

*This is the second piece

Every love song brings back that familiar feeling. 

You know the one.

Warm and complete. 

Escaping the confines of this self imprisonment. 

Souls touch just over the horizon. 

Fear of falling. 

Fear of wanting more and then being rejected. 

Stuck in a never ending battle with myself. 

Where to go from here. 

I'm just rambling on and on. 

Listening to these songs. 

Thinking about a person I've never met. 

In 2014 I'm going to try and be more consistent. I'm always busy and that's not always a good thing. I have a lot going on in the next couple of months and I actually want to document the journey :)

Solitude

It's always at the times when I a ton of work to do that I decide I want to catch up on my blog. Tis the life of a procrastinator. It great irony that I enjoy writing as a means to express myself as I stated in my first blog but I really really hate writing papers for school. Which is exactly what I should be doing right now.

Each time I come here I never know what I'm going to say. Will I open up about a tragic event of my past, publish a poem I wrote, give my opinion on a particular issue, tell a story, or just express some random feelings. And I guess that's the beauty of it all. I come with no specific intentions. I just write what's on my mind or heart at the moment.

Lately a whirlwind of thoughts have consumed me. And when they are originally conceived they make perfect sense, but when trying to orally articulate and even write those thoughts I often get confused and frustrated.

I write notes on my ipad which unintentionally after I read them are poetic pieces. I think my mind formulates thoughts in poetic verse because I swear when I'm typing it I don't mean for it to be a poem lol.

How did I let it get this far?
Again...
When does it stop?
When does one learn?
A master of giving the same advice I can never seem to take.
You were lost, alone, afraid, and hurt.
I saved you.
Now I am you.
So how do I save me?

I appear to have it all figured out.
Do they realize that I'm just as confused. Just as broken.
That I fight a losing battle with myself daily.
I can't escape my own self imprisonment.

But I'm the strong one. Show no fear. Show no defeat.
Never ever show weakness.
It's hard to change once you've been conditioned this way.

How do you let your guard down?
How do you give someone that much access?
I tried.....I failed.
But did I really try hard enough?

I want to change.
I want YOU to change
But where do WE start?

So I resort to what I know best.
Just let it go.
Whatever "it" is.
Show no fear. Show no defeat.
Never ever show weakness.

I saved you.
Now I have to save me.

That was just a piece I started in my ipad and finished today. I'm an avid poetry reader and Tupac fan. And if you know me you know my Pac obsession is real lol. But I wanted to leave you with one of my favorite poems of his because I relate to it the most. He gets it.

In the Depths of Solitude

i exist in the depths of solitude
pondering my true goal
trying 2 find peace of mind
and still preserve my soul
constantly yearning 2 be accepted
and from all receive respect
never comprising but sometimes risky
and that is my only regret
a young heart with an old soul
how can there be peace
how can i be in the depths of solitude
when there r 2 inside of me
this duo within me causes
the perfect opportunity
2 learn and live twice as fast
as those who accept simplicity


I understand. I get it.

Bedtime Thoughts

Written last night before I went to bed.


Blasting my music so I won’t hear my thoughts.
The lyrics remind me of what I’m trying to forget. You.
I look around I wonder how I got here. What am I doing?
Consciously blocking out others, I accidentally let you slip in.
A reverse robbery. Instead of taking anything, you gave me something.
Feelings? Attention? Conversation? Love?
Whatever the case I must leave.
It’s not that I don’t enjoy the very essence of you.
Everything you are. Despite flaws and frustrations.
I’m distancing myself because I can’t have you.

As much as I want to believe things didn’t change, I must accept the fact that they did.
As much as I want to pretend I don’t care, the simple fact remains that I do.
And I don’t care about much.
You know this.
So why care about you?
Who are you to come into my life and destroy the security I built.
Something great turned into something gone.
What did I get myself into?
Dreams, fantasies, illusions.
You were selling, and I bought them all.
Now I’m broke. Broken.
For a split second I thought I could be the one. Your one.
Then realize the other six “ones” who believe it’s them.

Single solitude. All alone.
Surrounded by an abundance of love.
None of which is for me.
A slap in the face. Is it me?
Or was it you?
Incapable of loving another.
But my heart yearns for it. My soul aches for it.
Hurting.
As I watch the love of others radiate from within, giving hope to the hopeless.
A beacon of light that transcends the depths of this darkness.
I want that. I had that. I lost that.
So I wait for another chance.
But my wait isn’t patient, it’s persistent.

These are just some thoughts when my mind is idle and my heart is free.
And vulnerability has me under her spell.
I can fake a smile, I can pretend to be happy.
I can do a lot of things, but I can’t pretend I don’t love you…

So I go back to this work. Back to the madness. And keep myself busy.
And I forget about you.
Gone. Forgotten.
Until those last seconds before I fall asleep…

It Was All a Dream...

I was teaching a class to underprivileged youth.
Frustration filled me as they did everything but attempt to grasp the concepts I was teaching.
I go to my desk, put my head down. Fed up.
Why can't they just listen and follow instructions?
I began to question every aspect of my life.
Should I be in grad school?
Was I making good decisions?
Did I cut the right people out of my life?
I just needed direction.
In anger, frustration, and sadness I began to weep.
I shed tears for the troubles of my past.
I shed tears for my current state of confusion.
I shed tears for the future I couldn't seem to piece together.
Hurt. Shattered dreams.
I reminisce on 18 year old Jerisha who had a plan.
10 year Jerisha who had a plan.
Even 7 year old Jerisha had a plan.
The Jerisha of 24 was lost.
I had my head on my desk.
I could hear the students laughing and throwing things at one another.
Something told me to pick my head up.
I looked at the entrance of the classroom.
I squinted at the bright light that was shining through.
Was I dead? I was confused.
I saw a figure. A familiar figure.
I got up and walked towards it.
As I got closer tears of pain turned to joy as I saw the man.
The man I had admired my entire life.
It was my papa.
Not the papa that was laying in that hospital bed for months.
Not the papa that couldn't talk and was difficult to understand.
Not the papa with the body plagued by illness and disease.
But it was the papa that taught me how to tie my shoes.
The papa that treated me like a queen.
The papa that loved me more than life itself.
A tall, healthy man.
I ran into his embrace.
So happy I couldn't speak.
Tears of joy!
"Pumpkin, you're doing the right things. You're exactly where you're suppose to be. I'm proud of you."
I wanted to ask him so much.
Tell him so much.
Hug him so much.
But before I could, it was over.
I woke up with tears in my eyes.
Not tears of sadness.
Tears of extreme joy.
A beautiful dream.
Reassurance from God sent through a dream.
I guess that's the only time He can get us still and focused enough to listen and pay attention.
I feel like I'm sometimes like the kids in my dream.
Distracted by life, going about and not listening.
Not paying attention and doing my own thing.
I think God is me at times.
Frustrated and fed up.


I had this dream a few months ago when I woke up I decided to write down the experience. I was at a point where I was just so lost and confused. So much was happening and I didn't know what I was suppose to do. I was making decisions not knowing if they were the right ones or not. When you're a child all your decisions are made for you and life is simple. As an adult you're making your own decisions and basically hoping for the best outcome lol. I needed that reassurance. I had that dream about 3 months ago and I can honestly say that since then things have been great. I'm confident in my decision making, job, school work, relationships, and family :)

I Woke Up in Love

I was in class yesterday reviewing for my final and in the back of my notebook I found some pages of notes I had written that had absolutely NOTHING to do with the lectures in class lol. The poem below is a product of me being physically in class, but mentally in an entire different world. A collection of thoughts in poetic verse :)

In the eternal depths of solitude
Hidden behind foolish pride
My mouth won't utter my heart's truth
Alone.


Inseparable.
Watching what used to be wither away.
Nostalgic.
Reminiscent of a time before
A time painted on the beautiful canvas of life.


Betrayed.
Now the colors fade.
Unfamiliar with these new shades


Feeling like that 15 year old girl
Not again.
Naiive again.
Betrayed again.
Starting over....again.


Lost everyone in search of THE ONE

Emotions bleed across my paper


No tears, just lost years.
What happened?


Sitting with my notebook
I grab a pen.
Ready to jot down my feelings.
The emotions within.


Just another girl.


This thing between us can't be explained.
I love you. But why???


Prisoner of my heart's desires.
Binded to irrational feelings.


A reflection of beauty
A glimpse of forever
Shaded by the past


Journey through my life.
Lived through disappointment
Disappointment wrapped in security
Hunger of the heart.
Wanting. Needing. Craving.


I woke up in love

CAKE

February 28th.

It's a day I've bragged on, loved, and cherished pretty much my whole life. It's my birthday! I put an exclamation mark at the end of that last sentence but I'm really not that excited. Actually I have a bunch of mixed emotions. I'm not where I thought I would be at 24 but I am blessed beyond measure. Instead of thoughts of cake, parties, and foolishness, I am so thankful for how far I've come and how much I plan to grow.

I'm not the person I want to be (yet), but I'm not the person I used to be. I'm eternally grateful for all my misfortunes and my blessings. I've distanced myself from a lot of people, places, and things, and often question whether I'm doing the right thing. But on the contrary I have had some blossoming friendships and family relationships that I am excited about.

I always say "even" years are my best years so I'm excited to see what 24 has in store.

Available to be Unavailable

For the past couple of weeks I’ve been observing, listening, and analyzing a lot of the situations that have been taking place around me. From those dealing with friends and associates, to ones involving close family members. My weeks of “research” have brought me to some final conclusions which I wanted to share.

Unavailable people. This could be unavailable physically or emotionally.

“I can’t give you what you want”
“I love you but I’m not in love with you.”
“You know my situation.”
“I’m bad news.”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I’m really busy.”
“I need more time.”
“What’s a nice girl like you doing with a guy like me?”
“I don’t have time for a relationship.”
“Let’s be friends. Keep it casual”
“You deserve better.”

I know everybody has heard one of these phrases at least once in life. I don’t claim to be a relationship guru because I’m single as a dollar bill, but what I do know is when somebody isn’t interested. All these phrases boil down to: “I don’t want a relationship”, “I’m not ready” , “I’m not interested” or “I’m not leaving my boyfriend/girlfriend for you but we can smash”, or “I only want you for a quick nut, an ego stroke, or a shoulder to lean on”. It’s because people don’t say these things directly that we believe they are “selling a dream”.

We don’t get the hint. We make excuses and use irrational logic as to how we’ll be the one to make a person change. I’m a firm believer that there is a man/woman out there that can make anybody change. If a person comes at you with the indirect statements above, then chances are you’re not that one for him/her.

It’s kind of like playing Taboo. A person is up there giving you hints as to what they what you to guess. Some are good hints and you guess the word right off. Others are more difficult and take you much longer to figure out. It’s your job as the person in charge of navigating your own life and setting and knowing your own boundaries, to be listening, watching, and acting upon those clues. They didn’t miss your call, they didn’t forget to text you back, they’re not too busy, they just are not interested!

Stop making excuses for people’s behavior. Stop playing the victim because if a person came out and said what was really on their mind, then your little feelings would be hurt. If you’re 21 and older there is no excuse to be as naïve as you were when you were 15 or 16.

Now don’t get me wrong, I respect a person who is straight up and direct with their intentions. Keeps a lot of confusion down.

“Yeah man, I told her straight up I just wanna hit and nothing else”

We’ve definitely heard some male in our life say that lol. But chances are you don’t know what that sir is feeding that young lady behind closed doors. Because if that was the case she wouldn’t be all emotionally distraught when they stopped messing around.

Also, if you want a relationship you don't need a “friend” that's trying to screw with your mind or screw you and enjoy the fringe benefits of a relationship without the commitment. In the end you’re doing yourself a disservice. The movie Friends With Benefits was good and all, but movies aren't reality. They give you false hope and expectations for your own situations. Let's be honest, most people who say they can be "friends with benefits" are the same ones on these emotional rollercoasters.

Straight From My Cerebrum

So I was up last night til about 4am because I was working on my midterm paper. When I finished I laying in bed and couldn't fall asleep so i opened my iphone notepad and just started writing random stuff and this is what came out of that. The first one is all over the place. It's really an assortment of thoughts with no particular order. I just let my mind wonder and typed everything I was thinking lol.

Forbidden love. Hidden passion. It's this thing. This thing we do. We've done. Will it last...Last but not least. It's the least you could do...Done. But wait...Waiting to exhale. I want you close to me. Inhale. Never forsake me...Do it for the sake of me. I read the story written across your face...Face it, you love me. But love is blind. Talk is cheap. I'm broke. Broken-hearted and lost. Lust. Lack of trust...Truth hurts. It hit me. Isaac Newton and that apple. Like Eve. Forbidden fruit. Forbidden love. Hidden passion.

If you know me you know exactly who this one was inspired by lol.

You're beautiful. Not just skin deep...penetration. The ultimate stimulation. Stimulate my mind. Intelligence. Smart man. Athlete with nice balls...basket. Dribble and dunk. I'm the basket...case maybe lol. But it's ok. 2 letters: JB. Tryna be JW. Wishful thinking. Just a thought ;)

And this was the last of my random thoughts.

All you need is it. Peace and it. It is blind. It triangle. No it lost, no it found. Make it, not war. The it of my life. Unlucky in it. Lucky in it. Better to have it and lost than never to have it at all. Fall in it. [LOVE].


I know those were all over the place. Forgive me if you don't understand them. Blame my delusional mind at 4am lol :)

Fifty

Most people who know me know that my mom has cancer. I don't really go into much detail about it because I don't like getting emotional every time I think about it. Throughout the years in my life I've developed passions towards three things: Cancer, Lou Gehrig's Disease, and Child Abuse.

Each of these issues has affected my life in a major way and I feel like I can't sit back and just let it go on. Being sad and dwelling on it won't fix anything. A lot of the choices I've made in my life were a result of one of the three. I've lost family members very close to me as a result of all three. But today I focus on cancer because this is the one that probably has affected me the most.

According to news report on MSNBC the top 10 most deadliest cancers are:
1. Lung
2. Colon and Rectal
3. Breast
4. Pancreatic
5. Prostate
6. Leukemia
7. Non-Hodgkin lymphoma
8. Liver
9. Ovarian
10. Esophageal

I lost a grandpa, a grandma, and 2 aunts to prostate, liver, ad colon cancers. I have a 19 year old cousin who I adore who has leukemia right now. I have a cousin with breast cancer. I know so many more with these diseases and as you can see most are in that top 10. I feel like cancer is all around me and I have to do something. It is my calling and my passion to work with cancer patients.

Though I love and admire the people I just mentioned, the one person that has affected my decision making the most is the one who suffers from 2 cancers, rectal and breast cancer. Both of which are at the top of the list. That person is my mother.

She is 41 and was diagnosed at 40. She just recently finished chemo and radiation treatments. She's had numerous surgeries and I've seen her in so much pain that I hurt with her. Last night I was driving back to Houston from Baton Rouge and she was giving me an update on her condition. She had gone to the doctor to see if the cancer was in remission. The doctor said it was but he wasn't very enthusiastic about it. And I can admit, neither was I. This is because I research about cancer EVERYDAY. I know so much about it and though I was thankful that treatment had worked for now I wasn't fully thrilled about it.

The doctor told her what I already knew. "The recurrence rate for rectal cancer is very high and when it returns, it returns much more aggressively and patients usually don't live very long." He also said "The chance of a rectal cancer patient your age living to see 50 is slim"

Everything he said I was already aware of. But it's not my place to tell her that. Her spirits are always so high and that has a lot to do with the life span of cancer patients.

What she said to me after that has resonated with me since last night. She said "I'm going to keep living my life. I feel great. I pray to God everyday that the cancer never returns and if it does I hope it's not aggressive. Y'all don't be sad if something happens to me. I have enjoyed and lived a good life. I will go to heaven and be with my daddy and Trey. But I have FAITH that it won't return and I'll be here for a long time."

I admire her strength and her faith. I really wish you guys could have heard our whole conversation! It was unlike any other I had ever had. It's like she really just KNEW! I love that! I want my faith to be that strong so I'm working on it. I'll also be working on my mom's 50th birthday party. I know she will have one. I have FAITH :)

Less Cancer, More Birthdays

September 26

Today my brother would have turned 22 years old. Crazy because a lot of people never knew I had another brother other than Gerald. But before Gerald there was Gerterius Travon, but we all called him Trey. And though I was young at the time of his death I can still see vividly the images of a brother whom I adored. He was absolutely adorable with the best hair you would ever imagine! Lol

He was a curious child who always asked questions. A LOT of questions lol. And if nobody was around to answer his questions he would just explore things on his own. Like the time he set a bag of food from Burger King on fire because it was on the stove and he was trying to “warm it up”. He thought it worked like the microwave lol.

It’s funny how the human mind works because I can still remember the morning of my brother’s death and at the time I was 5 but I can’t even tell you what I wore 3 days ago. We had Frosted Flakes for breakfast, and to this day that’s my favorite cereal. I won’t go into details about everything that happened during this time period because tears stream down my cheeks as I type and reminisce about this. But my brother was forced into a tub of burning hot water and was scalded on the majority of his body.

The lady, who was our babysitter at the time, was responsible for this and when he went into shock and stopped breathing you know who she called in the back room to try and help revive him…me. I saw my brother lying on a floor lifeless and skin burned so badly that all I could do is stare. I was in shock. He had to be rushed to the ER and I still remember waiting in the lobby with all of my family. I saw my mom and dad hurting so I said told myself I wouldn’t cry so that they could see I was strong and that I was a “big girl”.

We finally got to see my brother and his body was all wrapped up and he wasn’t saying much. They didn’t want me to see him this way so I had to leave. He passed shortly after. I still remember the single red rose I put on his casket right before they buried him.

But through all that what hurt me the most is when I had to go talk to a lawyer at 5 and defend myself because the woman that did this to my brother told police that I was the one responsible. No I didn’t hold my brother down in that water and scald his entire body and for her to blame that on a 5 year old is just sick. But for years I blamed myself for my brother’s death because I feel like I could have saved him. I could have saved US.

I say this because during that time I experienced the most physical abuse in my life. I whipped with belts, shoes, phones, brushes, extension cords, and pretty much whatever was available. This was EVERYDAY. Not because I was bad child, because I excelled in school and I was never a discipline problem. She had the problem. She would lock me in the back room for hours every day where I would just cry silently to myself because if she heard me I would get whipped again. Around the time she knew my mom or granny was on the way home she would let me out and be really nice to me so I wouldn’t tell on her. This went on for so long. I could give a list of everything that happened in that house but I’m crying just typing this.

I’m going to wrap this up because I didn’t know it would be this hard. I didn’t tell my mom and dad about none of this until my sophomore year of high school. I had so much anger and resentment growing up because they left me there with her. I should have said something then and maybe Trey would still be here. But as a child you’re so scared that you really don’t know what to do. Fear can really dominate your life.

Things that happened in my past have truly shaped the person I am today. Yes, I talk about Gerald a lot because once you lose a brother it makes you super protective of the one you have. I hate that he was robbed of having a big brother but I will be the best big sis he could have. I’ve also learned forgiveness. I finally forgave myself and I forgave her. By far one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. When you forgive people that wrong you, you take your power back.

We’re so quick to judge people’s actions but fail to realize that everybody has a story. I loooooove kids. I'm great with kids. I am avid about stopping child abuse and I hope my story can help someone else.


-A report of child abuse is made every 10 seconds
-1 in 3 girls is sexually assaulted before the age of 18.
-1 in 7 children is abused
-5 children die every day as a result of child abuse.
-About 80% of 21 year olds that were abused as children met criteria for at least one psychological disorder

Where Are You??

It’s an intense desire
An irrational and irresistible motive
A devotion
A calling
Some say it’s destiny
Others say fate
I don’t want to miss you
Sometimes I think I’ve found you
And then I feel the forces pulling me away
A new direction
But is this what I love?
Is this my desire?
My devotion? My calling?
Could this be my destiny? My fate?

I’m lost again
Back where I started
I want to find you
To be consumed with you
For people to know my love for you without me speaking a word
Drowning in a sea of emotions
WHERE ARE YOU??
I’m ready to discover u
My PASSION…

You graduate college and it's an amazing time. You're so excited about graduation events that you fail to realize that real life starts after this. Me as well as a plethora of my friends have had that post graduation struggle and are still in it. It's very misleading to think that just because you have a degree you're gonna get a job in your field right after school. a fortunate few do but for the majority of us, that's not the case. I think you reflect on your life the most the first year after graduation lol. Be confident and patient, knowing that each day you are moving one step closer to everything you want. All you heart's desires come in the perfect time. Be ready to see your life in new and exciting ways :)

Too Blessed to be Stressed?

I'm the queen of saying "I don't care" or "I don't have time for this" so how did I let myself get this dressed out?

Crazy thing is I never know I'm stressed until something happens to me physically like when I got shingles in 2009. I had never even heard of shingles so when the doctor told me I had them I was like "what is that?". That's when he told me it was brought on because of stress and he proceeded to ask me what I had been stressing about and I couldn't even think of what it could be. Sad.

So today I was washing clothes and cleaning my apartment and I randomly got light headed and hot so I sat down. That's when I got that feeling in my stomach and I knew I was about to throw up. I hadn't eaten anything so I was confused and this was different because I was throwing up blood and water which has never happened. I went to lie down and took a nap. I woke up and finished cleaning and did my hair. As I was combing my hair it was coming out! I panicked. I've been noticing this for the last couple of weeks but I thought it was just shedding. That's when I went to my trusted WebMD app and did my own diagnosis. They had a bunch of suggestions which I pretty much canceled out and I realized that I'm stressed!

I really feel like since I'm not working right now and I'm not in school, whyyyyy am I stressed?? But then I realized that all this alone time I have makes me think about and over-analyze all the situations in my life: finances, my mom's health, my daddy changing into this man I don't know and marrying this woman I don't like, my brother and his distance,caring about somebody that I shouldn't be caring about, wanting to switch my major and wondering if I'm making the right decision, inconsistent friends, becoming obsessed with my health, and a list of other things.

I have too much time to sit and focus on all those things and what have I done?...stressed myself out. Now I've gotten myself sick and losing hair which I thought would never happen to me. My mama wants me to go to the doctor and see if they'll prescribe something but I know my problem and I really don't think it's nothing he can do to de-stress me. I have to figure that out on my own. I just hate that I let it get this far.

I realize and acknowledge how blessed I am everyday. My problem is I worry about other people, particularly my family, more than I do about myself. I never want to be a burden on them and everything I do is to please them. I just want to see them happy. I try too hard to be everything for everybody else

But I talked to my mama, read my bible, and prayed. Only thing left to do is take a vacation ;)

p.s.- If you know me, you know I relate every situation I go through to a song. The song that describes my mood and situation right now is probably Getaway by Monica. I'm actually listening to it as I type this :)

Wait...Ready..Leave

Just something I wrote because I was bored and wanted to do something similar to my Masturbation blog :)


No expectations, yet I wonder why I wait
Abandoned by love, now welcoming hate
Until I met you, a somewhat potential mate
Can’t stop destiny, I guess it was fate.

We’re moving too fast, I know I’m not ready
Still dealing with some things, my heart is heavy.
But it’s something about you, maybe the things we did in the chevy
It’s like our souls connected. Like beautiful lyrics, a sweet medley.

When I lay next to you I never wanna leave
Everything you tell me puts my mind at ease
Could be selling a dream but for some reason I believe
Maybe it’s lust, but love is what I perceive.

Whatever it is I hope you’re not like the last
I don’t have time for that same script, different cast.
But I enjoy you for now, we always have a blast.
Maybe you’re the one to help me forget about my past.

Lessons Learned

Since last Saturday a million thoughts have been going through my head and I've started writing plenty of times but never finished because I couldn't seem to get my thoughts in order or flow in a consistent manner. I even got on my iphone and started jotting down random notes and thoughts. I believe if you write how you feel as soon as a situation happens it conveys more emotion and that's what I did. Instead of going on a rant about different things I've realized these past days, weeks, and months, I decided to write 8 lessons I've learned over these short 23 years of my life. Most of these I had to learn the hard way but it's all good as long as I learned them lol. Oh and 8 is my favorite number that's why I chose it :)


1. Life won’t always take u where u wanna go, but u will always end up where u need to be

I said I would NEVER move to Houston, but I'm here doing what I have to do.

2. When you say, “I love you,” mean it.

"Love" is one of the most overused words in the dictionary and most of us are guilty are using it and not being genuine or sincere. If I tell you I love you it's because I really do. Don't take it for granted.

3. Don't judge people by their relatives or friends

"Birds of a feather flock together" <----- not necessarily true. I have a dynamic, diverse, and unique set of friends. Each one contributes something different.

4. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

Nothing worth having ever comes easily. A lot of us have too much pride to admit this but we are sometimes afraid to let ourselves fall for someone out of fear of being hurt or getting played. That's natural. I definitely fall in that category. I will make somebody hate me before I make them love me or I love them. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely. If you have faith in God and trust Him, you have nothing to worry about. While you're trying to figure it out, He's already worked it out :)


5. Spend some time alone

I think of all the lessons I've gotten the hang of this one the best! I spend about 75% of my week by myself, which is probably too much alone time lol. But you should definitely take time out for YOU! When you no longer have that then you're gonna miss it! It's a great spiritual thing as well as a great way for you to learn more about yourself.

6. Talk slowly but think quickly.

If you let a person talk long enough they will reveal their true intentions. Always be slow to speak.

7. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

Just try doing the opposite of everything I just said here and see how miserable your life will be lol.


8. Last but not least, listen to music EVERYDAY!

This is probably my favorite one. I listen to music more than i watch tv or talk on the phone. There is a song for anything you feel. I prefer my music really LOUD. It makes me feel like I can relate and feel the lyrics more lol.


I can go on and on with the things I've learned but those were on my mind for the time being. I'm young and I have so much more life to experience. This blog let me just flow with my thoughts which was good. In my next one I may attempt to attack what I been trying to express these past few days.

Inspired by a Text

I just had a text conversation that lead me to turning on my ipod and pulling out my laptop and just type. This is the product of that conversation and those slow jams I was listening to.


Memories fade, pictures are lost, and I watch time pass

What exactly makes love last?

We’ve been through it all. The trials and tribulations.

So I asked the questions with no expectations

I asked about your future and where you wanna be

Gotta admit, it kinda hurt that it didn’t include me.

You claimed to have it all but something was missing

“He misses you!” I thought….but I know I was tripping

“I really want love. I never had it. I think I’m ready”

I sat there confused and hurt. Eyelids heavy.

As I read the text I wanted to die.

Instead I sucked it up. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry.

I guess it was good that he finally came clean

Still feel played that I bought all the dreams

Maybe I’m naïve or just plain dumb

Because in the back of my mind I feel like I still won

I’ve experienced that love that he yearns for

That selfless love that makes you want a person more and more

I felt that for him though he never felt the same

Experienced a lot of pain but still had something to gain

We both possess our own meaning of the 4 letter word. It can be debated.

All I do know is that my “love” was never reciprocated.

It’s funny because I told myself I would never fall

But I guess it really is better to have loved and lost than to never love at all

I hope he finds a love suitable for the task

Until then I still wanna know what makes love last…

Lust Love and Loss

Ok so it's almost 3 in the morning and I took a 3 hour nap earlier so I'm wide awake! I should be doing something productive like cleaning up because my apartment, especially my room. It is a MESS!

But I digress. I'm actually going through some old pictures and documents on my external hard drive and I ran across some poems I wrote back in 2009. The one I want to share right now was written April 20, 2009 and after reading it I was trying to think back as to who was my inspiration behind it because I was confused lol. I think I have an idea though ;))

You’ve become his replacement but I feel you are the same

To take my heart and keep it, used as a pun in your game.

A never ending cycle of lust, love, and loss

Getting what you want regardless of the cost

Thought you would be the one to free my heart of pain

Instead you tortured it more and put my feelings to shame.

Getting to know you helped me understand me

All I thought I was I no longer could see

Thought I was confident, fearless, and strong

Spending time with you, I realized I was wrong

I’m insecure, afraid, and fragile

Hoping for progression but this love is gradual

Did I say love? Because I meant to say lust

Love is everlasting. Love is trust…

Between the T’s in trust, you have to have US…

But there is no us. There’s u and there’s me

There is nothing. Especially no L-O-V-E…



I would go into a drawn out explanation with some background info but this one is pretty self explanatory.

FYI: I'm not in the "lust-love-loss" cycle anymore. I can never get past lust these days lol

An Unparalleled Bond

December 7, 2005

Today my papa passed away. I really can't believe this. I knew it was coming but I just can't accept it.

My car was being fixed because it had a lot of stuff wrong so I took my mom's car to work. Not too long after I clocked in, I say approximately 23 minutes my mom walks in the store. I'm looking confused, like what's going on? How did she even get here? Automatically I assume I'm in trouble or that I've done something wrong. So I run through all the things I've done in the past week but nothing comes to mind. I ask her why she's here. That's when she tells me that my papa just passed away...

My throat instantly starts hurting like a huge knot is stuck and I feel like I can't breathe. I walk off crying as if my whole life had been shattered. Because in essence it had been. I could not believe it!

They say he died at about 4:30 pm and that he asked to be turned towards the window before he passed. It's crazy but I feel like that's symbolic, as if he knew he was about to live this Earth and going to be in his heavenly home with the Lord. I miss him and I am deeply hurt but I know he no longer has to suffer.

When someone close to you dies, that's the point from which you realize all the things you never got to tell them or show them You also realize what matters and what doesn't. I wish my papa would have lived to see me turn 18, graduate, and even get married. But I know that for a reason I may never understand God wanted him at this time. I don't know if I will ever be the same but I will continue to keep his memory alive and make him proud.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~






That was an actual excerpt from my journal.

I dealt with death early in my life with the death of my my brother when I was five so this isn't something new to me. I think this was probably the most painful to deal with for the simple fact that no male in my life was as consistent as my papa. I never felt a consistent attachment with my daddy, boyfriends, or even my other beloved younger brother.

Losing my papa a little over 5 years ago I never knew the impact it would have on my life today. For a man to ask me to trust him or to love him unconditionally is hard considering the only man I ever felt that attachment with is no longer here to show me how to. And the man that should be the one to step in and do so lives by his own selfish motives. But i digress.

Basically what I want to say is, men if you have a daughter, niece, little cousin or whatever be that male figure that she looks up to. SHOW her love, don't just tell her. You can see a significant difference in girls who grew up with a positive male figure and those who did not. Though my papa wasn't here long, I cherish those 17 years I got to spend with the man I will forever view as my hero.

Head vs Heart

You’re content where you are, no need for change.
But you can’t deny these feelings you’re having are strange.

How can he be the ONE when he’s such a jerk.
How do you know he’s not the ONE if you’re scared to make it work?

What if you get hurt? Remember all those nights you cried?
You’re not afraid of heartbreak, you just have too much pride.

No need to blur the lines. He’s not a lover, he’s a friend.
But he does possess the qualities you search for in men.

You don’t want to ruin it. Things are going good.
If you don’t act now you’ll forever be misunderstood.

It’s a difficult situation. What if it doesn’t work out?
At least it gives you the chance to experience what true love is about.

You don’t love him. You’re addicted to wanting what you can’t have.
You know you love him. It’s him you gotta have.

If you tell him how you feel he probably won’t care.
If you don’t tell him you might miss out on a mutual feeling you both share.

He’s a man so like the rest he’ll lie and cheat.
He’s your friend. You know he won’t fill you with such deceit.

It’s all a mistake. You’re infatuated with false bliss.
You can’t deny how you felt during that first kiss.

You’re setting yourself up for nothing but heartache and pain.
Honestly, you know this love isn’t in vain.

Follow me, your MIND, I’m logical and I make sense. I know what’s best.
No, follow me, your HEART, I know your true desires. Don’t be left with regrets.


Conflict of interest. Who do you listen to??

Flaws and All

I wanted to discuss some "flaws" that others see in me as well as these same "flaws" I see in myself. I put flaws in quotations because a flaw is defined as "a feature that mars the perfection of something". Perfection is something that can never be attained so I don't really see flaws as something bad because even if you took away all your "flaws" somebody would still find something wrong with you. I digress.

I've been called out on numerous occasions about my "lack of care" regarding certain things and people. I'm quick to say "I don't care". But unlike most people, when I say it, 95% of the time I genuinely mean it. Worrying about things you have no control and really make you sick! Mainly the reason I got shingles 3 years ago lol. You get shingles from being stressed and I was like 20 years old stressing about other people's problems. I couldn't go to school or work for a week and I had to take meds. So when I say "I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS" or "I DON NOT CARE" it's not because I'm trying to be mean but I are more about my own personal health than whatever insignificant problem you're going through at the time. If it's really that bad, pray about it.


"That's your problem Jerisha, you don't care about nothing"
An ex told me that. Shingles was one cause of this "I don't care" attitude I have but also when you've been disappointed or hurt enough in life not caring is almost a reflex. This gets in the way of me meeting new people. I can meet a guy and we exchange numbers, talk, go out, whatever, but after about 3-7 days I lose any interest in attempting to maintain communication with that person. I put forth 0% effort. I don't allow myself to care about guys. I'm not bitter, scorned, or anything, I'm just too lazy to make something work. I'm 23 years old. I'm in no rush to have a family and kids. Maybe in 2 years I'll think about it. Or maybe I just haven't met anybody worth that effort. You make time for what you want. So if somebody tells you they can't be with you because of school, work, family, etc. it's all LIESSSS! If they want to be with you they WILL make a way.

I was going to get into some more things but I have schoolwork I need to be doing. ADD is probably my BIGGEST flaw lol. My attention span is equivalent to that of a 3 year old.

One more thing, the problem with some people is, they still see me as who I WAS and not as who I am now. In that case the flaw isn't with me, it's in your own misguided perception ;)