Wait...Ready..Leave

Just something I wrote because I was bored and wanted to do something similar to my Masturbation blog :)


No expectations, yet I wonder why I wait
Abandoned by love, now welcoming hate
Until I met you, a somewhat potential mate
Can’t stop destiny, I guess it was fate.

We’re moving too fast, I know I’m not ready
Still dealing with some things, my heart is heavy.
But it’s something about you, maybe the things we did in the chevy
It’s like our souls connected. Like beautiful lyrics, a sweet medley.

When I lay next to you I never wanna leave
Everything you tell me puts my mind at ease
Could be selling a dream but for some reason I believe
Maybe it’s lust, but love is what I perceive.

Whatever it is I hope you’re not like the last
I don’t have time for that same script, different cast.
But I enjoy you for now, we always have a blast.
Maybe you’re the one to help me forget about my past.

Lessons Learned

Since last Saturday a million thoughts have been going through my head and I've started writing plenty of times but never finished because I couldn't seem to get my thoughts in order or flow in a consistent manner. I even got on my iphone and started jotting down random notes and thoughts. I believe if you write how you feel as soon as a situation happens it conveys more emotion and that's what I did. Instead of going on a rant about different things I've realized these past days, weeks, and months, I decided to write 8 lessons I've learned over these short 23 years of my life. Most of these I had to learn the hard way but it's all good as long as I learned them lol. Oh and 8 is my favorite number that's why I chose it :)


1. Life won’t always take u where u wanna go, but u will always end up where u need to be

I said I would NEVER move to Houston, but I'm here doing what I have to do.

2. When you say, “I love you,” mean it.

"Love" is one of the most overused words in the dictionary and most of us are guilty are using it and not being genuine or sincere. If I tell you I love you it's because I really do. Don't take it for granted.

3. Don't judge people by their relatives or friends

"Birds of a feather flock together" <----- not necessarily true. I have a dynamic, diverse, and unique set of friends. Each one contributes something different.

4. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

Nothing worth having ever comes easily. A lot of us have too much pride to admit this but we are sometimes afraid to let ourselves fall for someone out of fear of being hurt or getting played. That's natural. I definitely fall in that category. I will make somebody hate me before I make them love me or I love them. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely. If you have faith in God and trust Him, you have nothing to worry about. While you're trying to figure it out, He's already worked it out :)


5. Spend some time alone

I think of all the lessons I've gotten the hang of this one the best! I spend about 75% of my week by myself, which is probably too much alone time lol. But you should definitely take time out for YOU! When you no longer have that then you're gonna miss it! It's a great spiritual thing as well as a great way for you to learn more about yourself.

6. Talk slowly but think quickly.

If you let a person talk long enough they will reveal their true intentions. Always be slow to speak.

7. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

Just try doing the opposite of everything I just said here and see how miserable your life will be lol.


8. Last but not least, listen to music EVERYDAY!

This is probably my favorite one. I listen to music more than i watch tv or talk on the phone. There is a song for anything you feel. I prefer my music really LOUD. It makes me feel like I can relate and feel the lyrics more lol.


I can go on and on with the things I've learned but those were on my mind for the time being. I'm young and I have so much more life to experience. This blog let me just flow with my thoughts which was good. In my next one I may attempt to attack what I been trying to express these past few days.

Inspired by a Text

I just had a text conversation that lead me to turning on my ipod and pulling out my laptop and just type. This is the product of that conversation and those slow jams I was listening to.


Memories fade, pictures are lost, and I watch time pass

What exactly makes love last?

We’ve been through it all. The trials and tribulations.

So I asked the questions with no expectations

I asked about your future and where you wanna be

Gotta admit, it kinda hurt that it didn’t include me.

You claimed to have it all but something was missing

“He misses you!” I thought….but I know I was tripping

“I really want love. I never had it. I think I’m ready”

I sat there confused and hurt. Eyelids heavy.

As I read the text I wanted to die.

Instead I sucked it up. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry.

I guess it was good that he finally came clean

Still feel played that I bought all the dreams

Maybe I’m naïve or just plain dumb

Because in the back of my mind I feel like I still won

I’ve experienced that love that he yearns for

That selfless love that makes you want a person more and more

I felt that for him though he never felt the same

Experienced a lot of pain but still had something to gain

We both possess our own meaning of the 4 letter word. It can be debated.

All I do know is that my “love” was never reciprocated.

It’s funny because I told myself I would never fall

But I guess it really is better to have loved and lost than to never love at all

I hope he finds a love suitable for the task

Until then I still wanna know what makes love last…

Lust Love and Loss

Ok so it's almost 3 in the morning and I took a 3 hour nap earlier so I'm wide awake! I should be doing something productive like cleaning up because my apartment, especially my room. It is a MESS!

But I digress. I'm actually going through some old pictures and documents on my external hard drive and I ran across some poems I wrote back in 2009. The one I want to share right now was written April 20, 2009 and after reading it I was trying to think back as to who was my inspiration behind it because I was confused lol. I think I have an idea though ;))

You’ve become his replacement but I feel you are the same

To take my heart and keep it, used as a pun in your game.

A never ending cycle of lust, love, and loss

Getting what you want regardless of the cost

Thought you would be the one to free my heart of pain

Instead you tortured it more and put my feelings to shame.

Getting to know you helped me understand me

All I thought I was I no longer could see

Thought I was confident, fearless, and strong

Spending time with you, I realized I was wrong

I’m insecure, afraid, and fragile

Hoping for progression but this love is gradual

Did I say love? Because I meant to say lust

Love is everlasting. Love is trust…

Between the T’s in trust, you have to have US…

But there is no us. There’s u and there’s me

There is nothing. Especially no L-O-V-E…



I would go into a drawn out explanation with some background info but this one is pretty self explanatory.

FYI: I'm not in the "lust-love-loss" cycle anymore. I can never get past lust these days lol

An Unparalleled Bond

December 7, 2005

Today my papa passed away. I really can't believe this. I knew it was coming but I just can't accept it.

My car was being fixed because it had a lot of stuff wrong so I took my mom's car to work. Not too long after I clocked in, I say approximately 23 minutes my mom walks in the store. I'm looking confused, like what's going on? How did she even get here? Automatically I assume I'm in trouble or that I've done something wrong. So I run through all the things I've done in the past week but nothing comes to mind. I ask her why she's here. That's when she tells me that my papa just passed away...

My throat instantly starts hurting like a huge knot is stuck and I feel like I can't breathe. I walk off crying as if my whole life had been shattered. Because in essence it had been. I could not believe it!

They say he died at about 4:30 pm and that he asked to be turned towards the window before he passed. It's crazy but I feel like that's symbolic, as if he knew he was about to live this Earth and going to be in his heavenly home with the Lord. I miss him and I am deeply hurt but I know he no longer has to suffer.

When someone close to you dies, that's the point from which you realize all the things you never got to tell them or show them You also realize what matters and what doesn't. I wish my papa would have lived to see me turn 18, graduate, and even get married. But I know that for a reason I may never understand God wanted him at this time. I don't know if I will ever be the same but I will continue to keep his memory alive and make him proud.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~






That was an actual excerpt from my journal.

I dealt with death early in my life with the death of my my brother when I was five so this isn't something new to me. I think this was probably the most painful to deal with for the simple fact that no male in my life was as consistent as my papa. I never felt a consistent attachment with my daddy, boyfriends, or even my other beloved younger brother.

Losing my papa a little over 5 years ago I never knew the impact it would have on my life today. For a man to ask me to trust him or to love him unconditionally is hard considering the only man I ever felt that attachment with is no longer here to show me how to. And the man that should be the one to step in and do so lives by his own selfish motives. But i digress.

Basically what I want to say is, men if you have a daughter, niece, little cousin or whatever be that male figure that she looks up to. SHOW her love, don't just tell her. You can see a significant difference in girls who grew up with a positive male figure and those who did not. Though my papa wasn't here long, I cherish those 17 years I got to spend with the man I will forever view as my hero.

Head vs Heart

You’re content where you are, no need for change.
But you can’t deny these feelings you’re having are strange.

How can he be the ONE when he’s such a jerk.
How do you know he’s not the ONE if you’re scared to make it work?

What if you get hurt? Remember all those nights you cried?
You’re not afraid of heartbreak, you just have too much pride.

No need to blur the lines. He’s not a lover, he’s a friend.
But he does possess the qualities you search for in men.

You don’t want to ruin it. Things are going good.
If you don’t act now you’ll forever be misunderstood.

It’s a difficult situation. What if it doesn’t work out?
At least it gives you the chance to experience what true love is about.

You don’t love him. You’re addicted to wanting what you can’t have.
You know you love him. It’s him you gotta have.

If you tell him how you feel he probably won’t care.
If you don’t tell him you might miss out on a mutual feeling you both share.

He’s a man so like the rest he’ll lie and cheat.
He’s your friend. You know he won’t fill you with such deceit.

It’s all a mistake. You’re infatuated with false bliss.
You can’t deny how you felt during that first kiss.

You’re setting yourself up for nothing but heartache and pain.
Honestly, you know this love isn’t in vain.

Follow me, your MIND, I’m logical and I make sense. I know what’s best.
No, follow me, your HEART, I know your true desires. Don’t be left with regrets.


Conflict of interest. Who do you listen to??

Flaws and All

I wanted to discuss some "flaws" that others see in me as well as these same "flaws" I see in myself. I put flaws in quotations because a flaw is defined as "a feature that mars the perfection of something". Perfection is something that can never be attained so I don't really see flaws as something bad because even if you took away all your "flaws" somebody would still find something wrong with you. I digress.

I've been called out on numerous occasions about my "lack of care" regarding certain things and people. I'm quick to say "I don't care". But unlike most people, when I say it, 95% of the time I genuinely mean it. Worrying about things you have no control and really make you sick! Mainly the reason I got shingles 3 years ago lol. You get shingles from being stressed and I was like 20 years old stressing about other people's problems. I couldn't go to school or work for a week and I had to take meds. So when I say "I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS" or "I DON NOT CARE" it's not because I'm trying to be mean but I are more about my own personal health than whatever insignificant problem you're going through at the time. If it's really that bad, pray about it.


"That's your problem Jerisha, you don't care about nothing"
An ex told me that. Shingles was one cause of this "I don't care" attitude I have but also when you've been disappointed or hurt enough in life not caring is almost a reflex. This gets in the way of me meeting new people. I can meet a guy and we exchange numbers, talk, go out, whatever, but after about 3-7 days I lose any interest in attempting to maintain communication with that person. I put forth 0% effort. I don't allow myself to care about guys. I'm not bitter, scorned, or anything, I'm just too lazy to make something work. I'm 23 years old. I'm in no rush to have a family and kids. Maybe in 2 years I'll think about it. Or maybe I just haven't met anybody worth that effort. You make time for what you want. So if somebody tells you they can't be with you because of school, work, family, etc. it's all LIESSSS! If they want to be with you they WILL make a way.

I was going to get into some more things but I have schoolwork I need to be doing. ADD is probably my BIGGEST flaw lol. My attention span is equivalent to that of a 3 year old.

One more thing, the problem with some people is, they still see me as who I WAS and not as who I am now. In that case the flaw isn't with me, it's in your own misguided perception ;)

80/20 Rule

You ever have those moments where you feel like you're constantly getting the short end of the stick?

I go through phases in my life. There was a point where I was super nice to everybody, constantly being taken advantage of. So after that I got to a point where you couldn't get a question out good enough before you heard me say no. I've gotten past that point and now I'm somewhere in between. But lately I been feeling like all my friendships are 80/20 with me giving the 80% to communicate and maintain the friendships. I don't feel like my friendships should require as much work as a relationship, but then again that's just me.

I woke up with this on my mind and told myself that I'm no longer making the extra effort. Going back to the Jerisha circa 2006-2007. I will not be initiating texts and phone calls to my "friends". Sometimes you just need to distance yourself from people. If they care, they’ll notice. If they don’t, you know where you stand. This will also allow me to get more focused on school and my own personal growth.