September 26

Today my brother would have turned 22 years old. Crazy because a lot of people never knew I had another brother other than Gerald. But before Gerald there was Gerterius Travon, but we all called him Trey. And though I was young at the time of his death I can still see vividly the images of a brother whom I adored. He was absolutely adorable with the best hair you would ever imagine! Lol

He was a curious child who always asked questions. A LOT of questions lol. And if nobody was around to answer his questions he would just explore things on his own. Like the time he set a bag of food from Burger King on fire because it was on the stove and he was trying to “warm it up”. He thought it worked like the microwave lol.

It’s funny how the human mind works because I can still remember the morning of my brother’s death and at the time I was 5 but I can’t even tell you what I wore 3 days ago. We had Frosted Flakes for breakfast, and to this day that’s my favorite cereal. I won’t go into details about everything that happened during this time period because tears stream down my cheeks as I type and reminisce about this. But my brother was forced into a tub of burning hot water and was scalded on the majority of his body.

The lady, who was our babysitter at the time, was responsible for this and when he went into shock and stopped breathing you know who she called in the back room to try and help revive him…me. I saw my brother lying on a floor lifeless and skin burned so badly that all I could do is stare. I was in shock. He had to be rushed to the ER and I still remember waiting in the lobby with all of my family. I saw my mom and dad hurting so I said told myself I wouldn’t cry so that they could see I was strong and that I was a “big girl”.

We finally got to see my brother and his body was all wrapped up and he wasn’t saying much. They didn’t want me to see him this way so I had to leave. He passed shortly after. I still remember the single red rose I put on his casket right before they buried him.

But through all that what hurt me the most is when I had to go talk to a lawyer at 5 and defend myself because the woman that did this to my brother told police that I was the one responsible. No I didn’t hold my brother down in that water and scald his entire body and for her to blame that on a 5 year old is just sick. But for years I blamed myself for my brother’s death because I feel like I could have saved him. I could have saved US.

I say this because during that time I experienced the most physical abuse in my life. I whipped with belts, shoes, phones, brushes, extension cords, and pretty much whatever was available. This was EVERYDAY. Not because I was bad child, because I excelled in school and I was never a discipline problem. She had the problem. She would lock me in the back room for hours every day where I would just cry silently to myself because if she heard me I would get whipped again. Around the time she knew my mom or granny was on the way home she would let me out and be really nice to me so I wouldn’t tell on her. This went on for so long. I could give a list of everything that happened in that house but I’m crying just typing this.

I’m going to wrap this up because I didn’t know it would be this hard. I didn’t tell my mom and dad about none of this until my sophomore year of high school. I had so much anger and resentment growing up because they left me there with her. I should have said something then and maybe Trey would still be here. But as a child you’re so scared that you really don’t know what to do. Fear can really dominate your life.

Things that happened in my past have truly shaped the person I am today. Yes, I talk about Gerald a lot because once you lose a brother it makes you super protective of the one you have. I hate that he was robbed of having a big brother but I will be the best big sis he could have. I’ve also learned forgiveness. I finally forgave myself and I forgave her. By far one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. When you forgive people that wrong you, you take your power back.

We’re so quick to judge people’s actions but fail to realize that everybody has a story. I loooooove kids. I'm great with kids. I am avid about stopping child abuse and I hope my story can help someone else.


-A report of child abuse is made every 10 seconds
-1 in 3 girls is sexually assaulted before the age of 18.
-1 in 7 children is abused
-5 children die every day as a result of child abuse.
-About 80% of 21 year olds that were abused as children met criteria for at least one psychological disorder

Where Are You??

It’s an intense desire
An irrational and irresistible motive
A devotion
A calling
Some say it’s destiny
Others say fate
I don’t want to miss you
Sometimes I think I’ve found you
And then I feel the forces pulling me away
A new direction
But is this what I love?
Is this my desire?
My devotion? My calling?
Could this be my destiny? My fate?

I’m lost again
Back where I started
I want to find you
To be consumed with you
For people to know my love for you without me speaking a word
Drowning in a sea of emotions
WHERE ARE YOU??
I’m ready to discover u
My PASSION…

You graduate college and it's an amazing time. You're so excited about graduation events that you fail to realize that real life starts after this. Me as well as a plethora of my friends have had that post graduation struggle and are still in it. It's very misleading to think that just because you have a degree you're gonna get a job in your field right after school. a fortunate few do but for the majority of us, that's not the case. I think you reflect on your life the most the first year after graduation lol. Be confident and patient, knowing that each day you are moving one step closer to everything you want. All you heart's desires come in the perfect time. Be ready to see your life in new and exciting ways :)

Too Blessed to be Stressed?

I'm the queen of saying "I don't care" or "I don't have time for this" so how did I let myself get this dressed out?

Crazy thing is I never know I'm stressed until something happens to me physically like when I got shingles in 2009. I had never even heard of shingles so when the doctor told me I had them I was like "what is that?". That's when he told me it was brought on because of stress and he proceeded to ask me what I had been stressing about and I couldn't even think of what it could be. Sad.

So today I was washing clothes and cleaning my apartment and I randomly got light headed and hot so I sat down. That's when I got that feeling in my stomach and I knew I was about to throw up. I hadn't eaten anything so I was confused and this was different because I was throwing up blood and water which has never happened. I went to lie down and took a nap. I woke up and finished cleaning and did my hair. As I was combing my hair it was coming out! I panicked. I've been noticing this for the last couple of weeks but I thought it was just shedding. That's when I went to my trusted WebMD app and did my own diagnosis. They had a bunch of suggestions which I pretty much canceled out and I realized that I'm stressed!

I really feel like since I'm not working right now and I'm not in school, whyyyyy am I stressed?? But then I realized that all this alone time I have makes me think about and over-analyze all the situations in my life: finances, my mom's health, my daddy changing into this man I don't know and marrying this woman I don't like, my brother and his distance,caring about somebody that I shouldn't be caring about, wanting to switch my major and wondering if I'm making the right decision, inconsistent friends, becoming obsessed with my health, and a list of other things.

I have too much time to sit and focus on all those things and what have I done?...stressed myself out. Now I've gotten myself sick and losing hair which I thought would never happen to me. My mama wants me to go to the doctor and see if they'll prescribe something but I know my problem and I really don't think it's nothing he can do to de-stress me. I have to figure that out on my own. I just hate that I let it get this far.

I realize and acknowledge how blessed I am everyday. My problem is I worry about other people, particularly my family, more than I do about myself. I never want to be a burden on them and everything I do is to please them. I just want to see them happy. I try too hard to be everything for everybody else

But I talked to my mama, read my bible, and prayed. Only thing left to do is take a vacation ;)

p.s.- If you know me, you know I relate every situation I go through to a song. The song that describes my mood and situation right now is probably Getaway by Monica. I'm actually listening to it as I type this :)

Wait...Ready..Leave

Just something I wrote because I was bored and wanted to do something similar to my Masturbation blog :)


No expectations, yet I wonder why I wait
Abandoned by love, now welcoming hate
Until I met you, a somewhat potential mate
Can’t stop destiny, I guess it was fate.

We’re moving too fast, I know I’m not ready
Still dealing with some things, my heart is heavy.
But it’s something about you, maybe the things we did in the chevy
It’s like our souls connected. Like beautiful lyrics, a sweet medley.

When I lay next to you I never wanna leave
Everything you tell me puts my mind at ease
Could be selling a dream but for some reason I believe
Maybe it’s lust, but love is what I perceive.

Whatever it is I hope you’re not like the last
I don’t have time for that same script, different cast.
But I enjoy you for now, we always have a blast.
Maybe you’re the one to help me forget about my past.

Lessons Learned

Since last Saturday a million thoughts have been going through my head and I've started writing plenty of times but never finished because I couldn't seem to get my thoughts in order or flow in a consistent manner. I even got on my iphone and started jotting down random notes and thoughts. I believe if you write how you feel as soon as a situation happens it conveys more emotion and that's what I did. Instead of going on a rant about different things I've realized these past days, weeks, and months, I decided to write 8 lessons I've learned over these short 23 years of my life. Most of these I had to learn the hard way but it's all good as long as I learned them lol. Oh and 8 is my favorite number that's why I chose it :)


1. Life won’t always take u where u wanna go, but u will always end up where u need to be

I said I would NEVER move to Houston, but I'm here doing what I have to do.

2. When you say, “I love you,” mean it.

"Love" is one of the most overused words in the dictionary and most of us are guilty are using it and not being genuine or sincere. If I tell you I love you it's because I really do. Don't take it for granted.

3. Don't judge people by their relatives or friends

"Birds of a feather flock together" <----- not necessarily true. I have a dynamic, diverse, and unique set of friends. Each one contributes something different.

4. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

Nothing worth having ever comes easily. A lot of us have too much pride to admit this but we are sometimes afraid to let ourselves fall for someone out of fear of being hurt or getting played. That's natural. I definitely fall in that category. I will make somebody hate me before I make them love me or I love them. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely. If you have faith in God and trust Him, you have nothing to worry about. While you're trying to figure it out, He's already worked it out :)


5. Spend some time alone

I think of all the lessons I've gotten the hang of this one the best! I spend about 75% of my week by myself, which is probably too much alone time lol. But you should definitely take time out for YOU! When you no longer have that then you're gonna miss it! It's a great spiritual thing as well as a great way for you to learn more about yourself.

6. Talk slowly but think quickly.

If you let a person talk long enough they will reveal their true intentions. Always be slow to speak.

7. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

Just try doing the opposite of everything I just said here and see how miserable your life will be lol.


8. Last but not least, listen to music EVERYDAY!

This is probably my favorite one. I listen to music more than i watch tv or talk on the phone. There is a song for anything you feel. I prefer my music really LOUD. It makes me feel like I can relate and feel the lyrics more lol.


I can go on and on with the things I've learned but those were on my mind for the time being. I'm young and I have so much more life to experience. This blog let me just flow with my thoughts which was good. In my next one I may attempt to attack what I been trying to express these past few days.

Inspired by a Text

I just had a text conversation that lead me to turning on my ipod and pulling out my laptop and just type. This is the product of that conversation and those slow jams I was listening to.


Memories fade, pictures are lost, and I watch time pass

What exactly makes love last?

We’ve been through it all. The trials and tribulations.

So I asked the questions with no expectations

I asked about your future and where you wanna be

Gotta admit, it kinda hurt that it didn’t include me.

You claimed to have it all but something was missing

“He misses you!” I thought….but I know I was tripping

“I really want love. I never had it. I think I’m ready”

I sat there confused and hurt. Eyelids heavy.

As I read the text I wanted to die.

Instead I sucked it up. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry.

I guess it was good that he finally came clean

Still feel played that I bought all the dreams

Maybe I’m naïve or just plain dumb

Because in the back of my mind I feel like I still won

I’ve experienced that love that he yearns for

That selfless love that makes you want a person more and more

I felt that for him though he never felt the same

Experienced a lot of pain but still had something to gain

We both possess our own meaning of the 4 letter word. It can be debated.

All I do know is that my “love” was never reciprocated.

It’s funny because I told myself I would never fall

But I guess it really is better to have loved and lost than to never love at all

I hope he finds a love suitable for the task

Until then I still wanna know what makes love last…

Lust Love and Loss

Ok so it's almost 3 in the morning and I took a 3 hour nap earlier so I'm wide awake! I should be doing something productive like cleaning up because my apartment, especially my room. It is a MESS!

But I digress. I'm actually going through some old pictures and documents on my external hard drive and I ran across some poems I wrote back in 2009. The one I want to share right now was written April 20, 2009 and after reading it I was trying to think back as to who was my inspiration behind it because I was confused lol. I think I have an idea though ;))

You’ve become his replacement but I feel you are the same

To take my heart and keep it, used as a pun in your game.

A never ending cycle of lust, love, and loss

Getting what you want regardless of the cost

Thought you would be the one to free my heart of pain

Instead you tortured it more and put my feelings to shame.

Getting to know you helped me understand me

All I thought I was I no longer could see

Thought I was confident, fearless, and strong

Spending time with you, I realized I was wrong

I’m insecure, afraid, and fragile

Hoping for progression but this love is gradual

Did I say love? Because I meant to say lust

Love is everlasting. Love is trust…

Between the T’s in trust, you have to have US…

But there is no us. There’s u and there’s me

There is nothing. Especially no L-O-V-E…



I would go into a drawn out explanation with some background info but this one is pretty self explanatory.

FYI: I'm not in the "lust-love-loss" cycle anymore. I can never get past lust these days lol

An Unparalleled Bond

December 7, 2005

Today my papa passed away. I really can't believe this. I knew it was coming but I just can't accept it.

My car was being fixed because it had a lot of stuff wrong so I took my mom's car to work. Not too long after I clocked in, I say approximately 23 minutes my mom walks in the store. I'm looking confused, like what's going on? How did she even get here? Automatically I assume I'm in trouble or that I've done something wrong. So I run through all the things I've done in the past week but nothing comes to mind. I ask her why she's here. That's when she tells me that my papa just passed away...

My throat instantly starts hurting like a huge knot is stuck and I feel like I can't breathe. I walk off crying as if my whole life had been shattered. Because in essence it had been. I could not believe it!

They say he died at about 4:30 pm and that he asked to be turned towards the window before he passed. It's crazy but I feel like that's symbolic, as if he knew he was about to live this Earth and going to be in his heavenly home with the Lord. I miss him and I am deeply hurt but I know he no longer has to suffer.

When someone close to you dies, that's the point from which you realize all the things you never got to tell them or show them You also realize what matters and what doesn't. I wish my papa would have lived to see me turn 18, graduate, and even get married. But I know that for a reason I may never understand God wanted him at this time. I don't know if I will ever be the same but I will continue to keep his memory alive and make him proud.
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That was an actual excerpt from my journal.

I dealt with death early in my life with the death of my my brother when I was five so this isn't something new to me. I think this was probably the most painful to deal with for the simple fact that no male in my life was as consistent as my papa. I never felt a consistent attachment with my daddy, boyfriends, or even my other beloved younger brother.

Losing my papa a little over 5 years ago I never knew the impact it would have on my life today. For a man to ask me to trust him or to love him unconditionally is hard considering the only man I ever felt that attachment with is no longer here to show me how to. And the man that should be the one to step in and do so lives by his own selfish motives. But i digress.

Basically what I want to say is, men if you have a daughter, niece, little cousin or whatever be that male figure that she looks up to. SHOW her love, don't just tell her. You can see a significant difference in girls who grew up with a positive male figure and those who did not. Though my papa wasn't here long, I cherish those 17 years I got to spend with the man I will forever view as my hero.